I am so relieved. Saint Ashcroft has returned to his Missouri Mission to kneel and pray until the Good Lord calls for him. (What ol' Lord gonna do to him is another question & he ain't talking to me about.) But our national security is not only in good hands, it's now being balanced by the new AGs commitment to "give law enforcement the tools they need to keep America safe while honoring our values."
That's so sweet. But wait! What are our values? A great country has to have great values, right?
Let's see: We value human dignity. That's why Congress is close to passing a industry-sponsored bankruptcy bill ("No Deadbeat Left Behind") that treats everyone equally--those who thiink of bankruptcy like "get out of jail free" cards and those silly enough to pile up medical bills so high even Bill Gates couldn't bail them out. (And these are people with insurance.)
We value freedom...except for those who may have known someone who read about a person who once saw a terrorist on TV. Those people deserve to be held in some unrevealed location without benefit of legal counsel, constitutional rights, or toilet seats. And torture? Get real, you lilly-livered liberals. A little pain builds character.
We value tolerance...except for gays who want to get married. Yuck! Like, how gross. They might even kiss.
We value truth...unless it gets in the way of a good war.
We value civility...except in the Halls of Congress.
We value opportunity, which is demonstrated by the ethnic origins of our new A.G. Alberto R. Gonzales--who must be a great American because he's Hispanic.
Gosh, I'm proud to be an American. Aren't you?
