Questions for President-Elect Obama

Estimates for attendance at the inauguration of our next governmental diety, Barack Obama, have been reevaluated since the alarming totals first suggested.  Based on better information from tour bus operators, police experts, the secret service, and famed medium, Madame Zalarama, experts are confident that Washington D.C. will receive no more than 230 to 240 million visitors. 

Inauguration planners have been scrambling to figure out where to house all these people, but, according to spokesperson, Jillie McMansion, "Burned-out homes in the worst sections of town are renting for $100,000 an hour; they're going like hot cakes.  People don't seem to mind sleeping fifteen to twenty to a room, the armed guards, or the drug dealers hanging around the front steps."  She added, "In fact, many are asking for places with a plethora of dealers.  I don't know why." 

Just about every celebrity in the world is planning to attend.  Knowledgeable sources inside the soon-to-be administration are even suggesting that the celebrity attendees will include Jesus, Moses, and Mohammed...if they can get rooms.  Jesus has said he'd be happy with a simple manger in a barn; Moses is looking for a large bush; I'm not going to risk saying what Mohammed wants--who needs a fatwa on one's head at my age.

The crush of visitors shouldn't be a surprise.  The latest CNN poll has Obama's approval rating at 82%, higher than the Pope, Putin, Einstein, or even Jameson Irish Whiskey*.  "Barack Obama is having a better honeymoon with the American public than any incoming president in the past three decades," said Keating Holland, CNN's polling director.  Oko Yono, channeling her late husband, said on Fox News that "Obama is bigger than God." 

Uloff Tills, executive director of the Lithuanian Center for American Research noted, "With levels of approval this high, there is virtually nothing Mr. Obama cannot do.  We expect the world economy to be restored to its former glory soon after he takes the oath of office.  Like five, maybe ten minutes after.  Maybe twenty if it's snowing."

If public adoration weren't enough, the soon-to-be Prez is continuing his goal of being the most-buff president since...well, since forever.  Even a Washington Post writer in a front page article on this most celebrated of Christian holidays, virtually drooled in a description of the Hero-To-Be:  "The sun glinted off chiseled pectorals sculpted during four weightlifting sessions each week, and a body toned by regular treadmill runs and basketball games." 

Excuse me???  Chiseled pectorals?  Sculpted?  Have we given up any hope of letting this poor schmuck just be a human being who happened to get elected president?

Apparently not.

In that case, I have a number of questions I'd like to submit to Mr. Obama that I believe are reasonable given his stature, status, and sainthood.  In the interest of making his task easier, the questions are multiple choice.

• When will you resolve the Israel-Palestinian issue? 
  1. February 1, 2009
  2. As soon as I can arrange for the Chinese to assume control over Jerusalem
  3. As soon as Hamas stops bombing Israel and visa versa, which should give me plenty of breathing room. 
  4. What's the next question?
• How soon will the housing crisis be solved?
  1. February 1, 2009...or 2010...or maybe 2011
  2. As soon as the Chinese lend us another 25 trillion dollars
  3. When John McCain agrees to buy 2,500 homes...every week...for a long time
  4. Excuse me, I've got a call on my cell phone
• What are the nation's health care issues most in need of attention?
  1. Curing male pattern baldness
  2. Lots o' fat little children who should be working out to get as buff as I
  3. The incredible abuse of cosmetic surgery by baby boomers who should just live with the fact that they're getting really, really old.  Deal with it.
• So why did you ask Senator Clinton to be Secretary of State...really?
  1. She has extraordinary experience dodging bullets in hostile environments
  2. She rejected the post of Ambassador to Lithuania
  3. No one else wanted the job.   Do you have any idea what's going on in the world today?
• If there is one wish you could have granted, which isn't outside the realm of possibility given that one god & two major prophets are going to be at your inauguration, what would it be?
  1. World peace
  2. Safe cigarettes
  3. A new IPhone...that my staff will let me use
  4. That Sarah Palin never, ever gives another interview
• Do you have second thoughts about being president given that there's virtually nothing in the world that's working?
  1. I have faith in the willingness of the American people to...to...just leave it at I have faith in the American people, o.k.?
  2. No, I passed through second thoughts months ago.  I'm up to 353rd thoughts, and that doesn't count Michelle's.
  3. Second thoughts?  Dude, have you seen my approval ratings?
• What kind of tree would you be, if you were a tree?
  1. A mighty oak
  2. A Ponderosa Pine
  3. A Weeping Willow
• So, Barack (may I call you Barack), what's the chance of my getting a cool appointment in your administration?
  1. We will consider all applications and make decisions based solely on qualifications
  2. How about Ambassador to Lithuania?
  3. Who the hell are you, anyway?
  4. No, you may not call me Barack.

Sheesh, talk about a testy president elect.  Anyway, I'm sure some close advisor to Obama will read this article and submit the questions to him.  And I'm confident we'll have answers soon, which I will faithfully reveal to all.

And in this time of reflection and desperation, I leave you with one truth that, despite all the turmoil and uncertainty in our world, remains unassailable:

In Jameson Veritas

* Given what has transpired, I suppose I should say that this is a paid commercial announcement.  At least as long as the stock holds out.