Dear Reader, To fully understand this extraordinary challenge to Stephen Colbert's brilliant, blatant self-promotional skills, I urge you to first read the first two articles in this series: article one and article two. Or, ignore them. After all, it's not Shakespeare.
As promised by my angel of cirrhosis, Shelley Lewis, PR pro extraordinare of The Thomas Collective (one can't help but wonder, collective of what? I hope dear Shelley isn't being held captive)... anyway, Shelley arranged for me to speak with a most delightful representative of Jameson Irish Whiskey, Frankie Pezzella. Hardly an Irish lass, as she'll admit, and, despite my best efforts to drag her into dangerous territory, she demonstrated time and time again her ability to avoid the lures dangling in front of her.
She is, on the other hand, a bright, charming, delightful person with a sparkling sense of humor... in that she laughed at my jokes.
I approached the interview carefully. I had specific wants in mind, although I knew it would be strategically inadvisable to blurt them out. So I began our phone interview with an approach straight out of Miss Mannners.*
First of all, I must thank you for the case of Jameson and the bottle of Midleton.
Oh, you're welcome. Have you been enjoying it?
Absolutely, although I haven’t touched the Midleton yet. It's still in its box. I take it out from time to time, admire it, say a silent prayer of thanks to the gods of Jameson. After all, it's not something you just open and slug down.
You're definitely one who knows how to enjoy their Jameson. [First indication that she's really good at her job.]
Besides thanking you, I want you to know that I'm committed to continuing to promote Jameson. I'll do whatever I can to help out. By the way, what is your job there?
I'm a senior brand manager on Jameson.
What’s that mean? [This sounds good. Senior is a good title. Maybe this is the person who has the authority to improve my giftiness.]
We work with the brand director in the States and with the Irish distillers in Ireland. [We??? There's more than one? That's not good.] A senior brand manager handles marketing, promotion, and public relations. We work across the board to increase Jameson's share of voice and sales volume.
How’d you get your job?
Well, I'd known Jameson well and had been working in spirits for a long time. There was an opening to work for Jameson, and I asked for it.
Yeah, sure. Come on, how’d you really get that job?
I interviewed for it like everyone else.
So it appears that you're not going to tell me the truth, huh? You're going to stick to the party line. I guess you don’t want to get anybody at Jameson in trouble.
No, no, no… it's not the party line. There's no big story.
[Obviously, there's a really big story here, a scandal that could propel me to the front page of the National Enquirer. But I tread carefully. Do a little research and nail her on the second interview.]
I’ll accept that. By the way, are there any of your jobs available? I mean, I've done public relations for a long time. I can market. So you got any marketing jobs for me?
Not at the moment, but you never know when we’re going to be expanding the staff, the team. But what you're doing is pretty important as an advocate of Jameson and spreading the word. Really, you are on the team.
[She is so slick. What a smart transition. I'm part of the team — the free, volunteer team. No wonder she's a senior brand manager.]
Yeah, I’m on the team, but I think there's more I can do. For example, I was thinking what a terrific marketing move it would be to make me Jameson's international spokesperson.
Wow, that is... that’s an impressive title. [She's laughing, but is it a laugh of delight or derision? Only time will tell.]
Yeah, I thought so too. Look, if that's asking too much, maybe just the spokesperson for northern Virginia. I’m not proud.
Mmmm. [She laughs, but I'm not sure...Hmmm.] You know what?
What?
I don’t think we have that position, but I’ll talk to the powers that be. I can’t promise you anything, but I think it’s an interesting prospect. It’s beyond my authority though.
[I wonder if it's truly beyond her authority or if this is a just a polite brush-off. What would Stephen Colbert do in this situation? I know. Change the subject and introduce a really big idea.]
So, you folks don’t do TV advertising.
Not at the moment…
I look good on TV, I really do. I’ve done a lot of TV, and I make up well with the right wig and clothes. I could be terrific on TV, particularly with the things you don’t talk about, like the curative properties of Jameson. [Voila, a really big idea. Let her reject his one!]
Oh, you think there are curative properties for Jameson?
You don’t?
[Whoa. I hear something knocking on my door. Could it be opportunity... like a new way to promote the brand? Wait a minute. I'll check. Rats, it was someone trying to get me to sign some stupid petition to save a moose that Sarah Palin shot. Like that's my problem.]
I know that Jameson tastes great.
Hey, Frankie, apple juice tastes great. Cherries taste great. Even beets, cooked correctly, taste great. That’s not one of your better promotional slogans: Jameson Tastes Great. Face it, lots of things taste great.
So how did you discover a taste for Jameson? [Note how cleverly she changes the subject. This woman is a master of managing interviews.]
Many years ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I went to a friend's house, and they gave me a taste. Truth be told, it's similar to how marijuana leads to heroin — it was that kind of thing. One taste and I was hooked, absolutely shackled. It satisfies that primal need for exactly the right blend of herbs and spices — whatever the hell goes in it — that the cave man in us requires, or the cave woman as the case might be. [Okay, let's see how good she really is.] You know, I've tried other Irish whiskeys, and I've got a question. Why does Jameson taste better than Bushmills?
I like Jameson for the taste. It’s really smooth, the triple distillation process, the quality that Irish distillers and blenders ensure in every step of the process, and the ingredients. Jameson really controls the process from grain to glass every step of the way.
So you're saying that the Bushmills people are sloppy?
I’m not saying that. I’m saying that the Jameson people are working off a recipe that John Jameson created back in 1780, and they've stayed true to that. I don’t say anything about anything except Jameson because that’s what I know.
So you won’t get into a discussion of why Jameson is better… a direct comparison with other Irish whiskeys?
No, that’s not my thing. You can draw your own comparisons.
You know, a lack of confrontation makes for lousy copy.
[Laughing... nervously perhaps?] We’re just talking among friends here. [Friends? Yeah, all my Internet friends.]
Oh no, this is going on Blogcritics and my blog, and I’m going to promote the hell out of it all over the Internet to all 23 of my faithful readers.
[Okay, enough Mr. Nice Guy. Let's get to the important stuff before I lose what few readers I may have snookered.]
You remember how red wine sales went up when they found it does all sorts of wonderful things for you? We need the same shtick for Jameson. Have you guys done any studies to see if there are health benefits associated with drinking massive quantities of your product?
Not that I know of, but that’s not my area of expertise. I can check into it and let you know, because that’s an interesting area.
(Come on, Frankie, it's not like I just fell off the public relations rutabaga truck. I've used that trick thousands of time. So has Sarah Palin for god's sake.)
Here's another option. It's a lot cheaper. I could just make up health studies that claim that drinking Jameson not only improves your heart, liver, and brain functions, but it makes you a kinder, gentler person. Best of all, it grows hair on bald heads. Then I could promote that.
[Now this is a nervous laugh.] Well, you know, well, that’s your choice, I can’t support or deny that because I don’t know…
You don’t want to go to jail?
I really want to keep my job because I do love it.
So you’re not a big risk taker when it comes to completely fabricated health studies?
I really love my job [Ah ha! I'm getting to her, I can tell. She's starting to repeat herself. Obviously there was no media training for this line of inquiry.] So there are certain things I won’t do unless I know for sure.
[Time to turn to something that'll ease her tension. So I ask her about her job.]
The second week on the job, I went to Ireland for the launch of Jameson Rarest Vintage Reserve.
Jameson Rarest Vintage Reserve? I’ve never even heard of it.
Ah… it is the pinnacle of Jameson. It’s a new brand that we launched earlier in the year. Our four master distillers took the rarest spirits that we have and created this beautiful, beautiful tasting blend.
How does it compare to Midleton? [What's going on here? I thought I'd scored a coup with them sending me all that booze, but they were holding out on me.]
It has a different taste profile. Midleton is a combination of our master distillers' favorite blends and spirits, while the Reserve has our finest and oldest whiskeys in it, they’re between 19 and 24 years old.
[Okay, no more Mr. Subtle.]How come I didn’t get a bottle of that?
Well, that’s a good question. We didn’t know you then.
Ah, so it was Shelley who arranged the case?
Yes.
So is Shelley getting a promotion or a bonus out of this?
[Deftly avoiding the question.] We knew that you loved Midleton, so Shelley sent you bottle of that.
[Gotta keep the pressure up. She's as slippery as an eel coated in Crisco.] Let's return to this Jameson Rare Vintage Reserve. That's another reason why you need me to be your international spokesperson because I don’t think anybody knows about this.
I’m sure more people could know about it. We’ll have to get you to try it and enjoy it. There aren’t that many bottles out there; we don’t have a lot here in the States, and, during the process of making it, a good portion evaporates and goes up to the angels.
[Another good reason to fake a strong affinity for God.]
There may be a surprise coming for your soon. [Did she really say that? Let me check the tape again. YES!]
That’d be good. I'll be checking the UPS and FedEx trucks every day. Excuse me, let me run out and see. Rats, not yet. By the way, I'm not crazy about Jameson 12-year-old.
Have you tried Jameson Gold?
I’ve never seen Jameson Gold. [These bastards have been keeping me in the dark. Maybe it's time for a new slogan.]
That’s a new launch… it's a 15-year-old. But the 18-year-old is my favorite.
[Feebly] Eighteen-year-old?
There's Jameson regular; 12-year-old; gold, which is a little more spicy, woodier, matured in virgin oak barrels; 18-year-old, which is my personal favorite; Jameson Rare Vintage Reserve, and the line of Midleton.
[By this point, I can barely speak. Hell, I can barely breathe. Who knew? How could I have lived in so much ignorance for so long? Colbert never would have been so naive.]
I have to tell you, I'm a little concerned about brand dilution. Plus, you're not out there letting people know what a harvest of plenty is available. That's why you need me to be your international spokesperson. [Am I pushing this too hard?]
I can understand your concern because we have so much out there, but I don’t see that as an issue because everybody likes something a little bit different. And you're not going to drink your 18-year-old every day, you'll wait for the right time and people to drink it with.
[Going for the kill. No pain, no gain.] You know, if you sent me a full collection of your entire brand list, I could do a taste test and report on that. I could write about the subtle differences among them.
Well, I don’t see that as being an issue at all, not at all.
[Trying to speak without squeaking.] Really?
No. In fact, if I was coming down anytime soon, I’d be there and do a taste test with you.
[You mean I'd have to share?]
[Let's get her off this visiting and sharing bullshit idea.] About my tag line, In Jameson Veritas. I’m wondering, it would be a powerful slogan for Jameson. Are you guys willing to pay me outrageous royalties for its use? I would be honored to sell it to you for a lot of money.
You know, I can’t speak to that one… interesting proposition.
[Speak, speak, my little fish circling the bright lure.] Think of the ads.
It’s one of those things I’ll have to get back to you on.
[She may be nice, but if I'm going to get what I want, I need to escalate this thing.]
Yeah, you know, I probably should talk to the president of Jameson because a lot of this is high-level promotional stuff, and I need a decision-maker to make me wealthy and keep me continually slathered in Jameson.
Yeah… I can take care of sending you other products, but you're asking me really tough questions, and I don’t have the authority to make a decision, but I’ll raise it up the line.
[Well, at least I may get some more product.]
I understand. You know, really, all of this is simply designed to help you guys. I am completely dedicated to helping Jameson, and I have absolutely no personal financial stake in this other than I want a lot of money.
[There's a lot more, but certain topics shouldn't be discussed on the Internet.]
I don’t want to take up too much more of your time, but if you can get back to me on these important issues like increasing my wealth... I mean improving promotional opportunities for Jameson, that’d be great.
I will definitely raise those questions and get back to you as soon as I can.
And if they want to interview me, I can come up to New York, or if they want to fly me to Ireland, first class of course, I can do that at the drop of a hat, because international spokesperson is a big job, I understand that.
Yeah, I’ve not heard of that title before, but it’s an interesting proposition.
You can tell them I’m 6' 2", very slim, buff I think is the word, dress real well, dark hair, kind of like a Sean Connery type.
But no Irish accent.
Hey, that's not a problem. I can work one up pretty quickly.
Would that be authentic?
Authenticity is something other people have to worry about. Lass, we’re not looking for authenticity, we’re looking for sales.
Oh… you make me laugh. [Great, but it's not getting me what I want. Laugh is cheap, my dear.]
It’s the truth. But if they do fly me to Ireland, make sure they’ve had lots to drink before they meet me because that way they might actually believe I’m 6' 2" and buff and all the rest, young, vibrant… the kind of guy who can sell to the 30- and 40-year-olds. Wait, unless we do a grandfather thing. That’s it, the noble sage offering the Jameson wisdom of the ages to the young and innocent.
[Somewhat dryly.] The noble sage. Well, I love that you're so much of a fan and promoter of Jameson. And I’ll definitely raise these issues.
Okay, but don’t do it at your peril. Be safe about it. [But be vigorous and pushy and demanding and indefatigable.)
End of interview, sort of.
In Jameson Veritas
*Actual interview edited for clarity, flow, and to make me sound as clever as possible
