It’s been a while since the Lord and I had a good chat, but today, the day after the faithful weren’t elevated to sit by God’s right or left hand (does God have hands? I mean, Jesus had hands when he was on earth, but what about now? Oh well…) Where was I? Oh, since nothing happened and Harold Camping, 89 year old radio sensation, was once again proven to be one of the world’s worst mathematicians, I figured I’d get the word straight from the…well, you know.
Me: Hey, Lord, you there?
Lord: Where else would I be?
Me: Pretty sad about old Harold, eh? I mean how many times is he going to get the end of the world wrong?
Lord: He only needs to be right once, you know.
Me: (Hesitating) I hadn’t thought of that.
Lord: You rarely do.
Me: Let me ask you a question.
Lord: Does it ever occur to you that I have more important things to do than answer your questions?
Me: (This is delicate. You definitely don’t want to challenge a cranky God.) It does now. (Wait for thunderclouds or lightening.) But, since I have your attention, didn’t you tell Noah after he got off the old ark that you’d never wipe out humanity again, no matter how ridiculous, useless, and evil we were?
Lord: Ah, we’ve been reading our Bible, have we?
Me: (One thing I’ve learned is it is a very bad thing to lie to the Lord.) Actually, I downloaded one onto my Kindle and did a search for Noah.
Lord: Kindle, eh? I’ve been thinking about getting one of those. Did you get the good one or the one with just Wi-Fi?
Me: The cheap one, I’m afraid. But we digress, Lord. You did say that to Noah, didn’t you?
Lord: I guess so, if it’s in the Bible, but that’s not what Mr. Camping was carping about. He was talking about the 2nd coming…or the first coming for the Jews…the rapture, the lifting up of pure spirits as the earth is destroyed for all eternity.
Me: Whatever, didn’t happen did it?
Lord: What makes you think it didn’t?
Me: Uh, how about the fact that everyone’s still here. No flood of missing person reports overwhelming our protective services. Nobody claiming to see their Aunt Betty floating up through the roof. No pictures of entire congregations holding hands and singing songs as they circle and elevate into the heavens. That sort of thing.
There is a profound silence, the kind of silence like when you’re taking a bath and dunk your head under the water and your rubber duckies are floating calmly on the surface. Basically, when the Lord is thinking, no one dares talk, that is if they value their lives.
Lord: You want the truth?
Me: Yes.
Lord: You really want the truth?
Me: I want the truth.
Lord: You can’t handle the truth.
Me: (He just loves to do his Jack Nicholson imitation.) O.k., but tell me anyway.
Lord: It happened.
Me: What happened?
Lord: The apocalypse, the rapture, the bringing of the faithful unto my bosom.
Me: Lord, you’re such a kidder.
Lord: Does it look like I’m kidding?
That’s a poser. I mean, how in the world can I tell by looking if He’s kidding if I can’t see him? But it’s better not to challenge God about these kinds of issues.
Lord: The reason why no one’s aware of what happened is that, of the billions of souls upon the earth, when I looked down to make my final decision, I discovered that the true faithful numbered only eight.
Me: Eight?
Lord: Eight. Seven of them lived alone, and the eighth said she was going out for a long walk.
Me: So Harold didn’t make it, huh?
Lord: Nope.
Me: But what about the second part of the prediction, the floods, the earthquakes, the tsunamis, the tornados…oh, all that stuff that’s been going on is, like, Act One?
Lord: There are times when you show promise, my boy.
Me: Thanks, God. Hey, wait a minute. If the true faithful are already up there with you and I’m still down here…
Lord: Just thought of that, did you. Sorry, lad.
In Jameson Veritas
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