Parodies Lost

God & I Talk About Health Stuff

It'd been so long since the Lord talked to me, I figured he'd found someone more interesting, not that that would have been that difficult. But I have to admit, I felt a little bad -- we'd had some good talks over the years, but what can you do. It's not like you order God to talk to you.

Hence the shock when I heard his voice with the resultant spill of hot coffee directly onto a region of my body of which I've grown quite fond over the years.

"Go.....lly darnit," I said, getting up and patting down the affecting area. "You just about burnt off my..." Now, you gotta be careful what words you use with God. Trust me, He's the last guy you want to offend.

"Your penis?" he asked.

I shuddered. I hate it when he uses that word. "Yeah...that thing."

"Sometimes I wonder why I bothered to create you humans," He said. "This irrational fear of words, and the stupid power you give them."

"Well, it's one thing to talk with the folks down at the local gin mill, but talking to You is slightly different," I tried.

He hesitated. He couldn't be thinking because he knows everything in advance, so I guessed he was working on another project. It usually didn't take long.

"Just think of Me as one of the folks at your bar," He said.

Sure, I thought. Hey, God Ol' Man, how're they hanging?

Shit, I forgot he could read minds.

"That's not what I meant," He said.

Time to change the subject.  "So, Lord, long time no talk.  What's up?"

"I have a favor to ask."

Now you have to understand that when God says the word favor, it's not like, hey, would you do me a favor, where you have the chance to respond, Sorry, dude, but I'm taking the bride to Lithuania for the weekend.  What he really said to Lot & his tribe when they left Sodom and Gomorrah was, Hey, do me a favor and don't look back.  Lot's wife looked back and got turned into a cattle lick.  There are favors and then there are favors, if you know what I mean.

"You da man, Lord.  Your wish is my command."

"Smart boy."

"I read my Bible, Lord."

"When, 50 years ago?"

I calculated.  He was amazing.  It was exactly 40 years.  "Yup."

"So what can your humble servant do for You?" I asked.

"Do I detect sarcasm in your voice?" he asked, his voice getting louder which shattered all the windows in my house and shattered the coffee cup.  At least the cup didn't matter, since all the coffee was already in my crotch.

"No sir, Lord.  I learned my lesson on that one."

You see, one time I got annoyed -- a very bad thing to do with you-know-who--and he turned me into a cockroach for a week.  I didn't much like it, but some German guy made a fortune selling the story to some publisher, although he didn't give me a dime, the shit.

"Alright then," he continued.  "As I look over my handiwork on the earth, I notice things."

I wanted to say, you couldn't tell by me, but I didn't, but then it didn't matter because I'd already thought it so I was probably in trouble again.

"I'll ignore that.  The world is getting out of balance."

"No kidding," I said, hoping we'd get some kind of divine intervention that would heal the world's ills.  "People are killing each other all over the place.  The hate-o-meter blew a gasket.  And everybody seems happy about all the misery."

"That's not what I was talking about.  That's normal for this time."

Terrific.  God has a different sense of time than we do, which means this idiocy in the world could go on for centuries.

"It's the health nuts I'm concerned about," He said.

"And your concern is...?"

"Balance.  Didn't I say that?  You know I hate repeating myself."

"Sorry, Lord."

"Just look around.  All these people ranting and railing about drinking.  Didn't I turn water into wine.  What did people think I did that for, to take a bath in wine?"

"I thought Jesus did that."

"One God, remember?"

"Yeah, well, you gotta admit, it's pretty confusing."

"The point is that I don't want to see a world without alcohol.  And worse, smoking.  Look at California.  If I weren't such a loving God, I'd give the San Andreas fault a good kick.  You can't smoke anywhere there."

"I didn't know you smoked," I said.

"Used to.  Gave it up years ago.  Have you seen the price of cigarettes these days?"

"Tell me about it."

"I am.  So here's my favor.  I need to restore some of the balance, and I want you to smoke and drink -- a lot.  I'll even send you a marvelous woman to be your bride who'll join you in smoking and drinking."

"Uh, Lord, You already did that."

"Ah, so I did.  The value of prescience.  Anyway, I know you're talking about quitting smoking and cutting back on drinking, but I'd like you not to."

"Why?"

"Balance.  It's one of the mysteries of the universe, but if everyone gives us smoking and drinking...well, the consequences will be terrible."

"Really?  How terrible?"

"Remember Bill Cosby's line, 'how long can you tread water?'"

"Oy, that's terrible all right."

"So you'll do it."

Like I had a choice.  Rats, there I did it again.

"Of course you have a choice...but you know there are always consequences."

"I'm your man, God," firing up a cigarette and enjoying it for the first time in years.

"I knew I could count on you, thanks."

"Hey, it's You and me, God."

Hence the expression, In Jameson Veritas.  I'm always obedient to the Lord's wishes.

And that's the truth.

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The Voice of God

Here's the deal.  In the old testament, God is a blabbermouth, you'll pardon the expression.  But let's face it, you can't shut the guy up.

"Noah, go build me an ark.  I'm going to flood the planet."

Noah protests.  "Hey Noah, how long can you tread water."  (With a tip o' the hat to Bill Cosby.)

"Abraham, go get your son & kill him for me."

"Lot, get your family the hell out of Sodom and Gomorrah and don't look back."  (Personally, I think turning his wife to mound of salt for looking back is pretty mean spirited on God's part.) 

And poor Moses.  The guy couldn't turn around without God giving him advice.  Job?  I'm sure Job would have been just as happy never to have heard from Him.

And so it goes...and yet...as the old testament proceeds, God talks to fewer and fewer people.  By the time of the new testament, the only person he'll talk to is Jesus & that's like talking to yourself, at least according to the Christians.  (I may be wrong, of course.  God may have talked to other people...but the trend, I believe, is right.)

So, it's natural to ask, what happened?  How come God isn't talking to anyone anymore?  Or is he bending Billy Graham's ear but Graham's decided not to reveal it?

Sure, there are zillions of radio preachers and born again zealots who'll claim that God speaks to them, but, I'm sorry, if I'm God & I have everyone in the world to choose from, I'm going to pick the fringe patrol?  I don't think so.  Whatever you think of HIM, He ain't dumb.  He'd pick people like Desmond Tutu or Mother Teresa (before she died of course...now she probably has a seat at the head table) or ... hmmm, it's hard to think of who He'd want to talk to. 

Ah, Walter Cronkite, of course.

This is getting alarming...it is late & I'm just blathering, but you'd think I could come up with more people than this for God to talk to.  I know there are tons of great folk doing good work that I don't know, but when you think of the major domos, there's this giant void where moral, ethical behavior would attract His attention. 

John Stewart of the Daily Show?  Entertaining, of course, but somewhat sad if that's the highest ethical standard humanity can offer.

Me?  Well, that's between me and Him & ain't none of your business.

So...here's the challenge.  Take off your ideological and religious hats & put together a list of people alive today worthy of a conversation with God.  If George Bush is on your list, don't even bother to respond.  Your ideology has been super-glued to your brain.  You'll notice I didn't put Edward Kennedy on the list or Jimmy Carter.

And, while you're at it, come up with reasons He seems to have gone so silent over the centuries.

My humblest thanks.

Darwin's Legacy

God called me last night. 

There's no easier way to put it, especially for you atheistic, devil-worshiping, socialist America haters out there. 

God did call me.  And boy, was He pissed.

"What's so tough to understand about 'intelligent design'," he fumed.  "What, do those Darwinidiots think I'm not intelligent?"

"No, sir," I said quickly.  It's not a good thing to piss off the Lord even if you do have to wonder about things like famine, Ebola, mosquitoes, and Cheeze Whiz.

"Then what is it?" he demanded, which was a little surprising since he's supposed to be the omniscient one, and I'm just a lowly human he's chosen to harass.

"Well," I started, "it's that those Darwin folks think that "intelligent design" is just a front for the Creationists to sneak religion back into the classroom."

Long pause.  When God thinks, it can take a long time.  He's also omnipresent, so he's got a lot of ground to cover.

"Creationism," he snorted.  "You mean those people who belief that drivel Bishop Ussher pushed that I created the world 4000 years ago?"

"Sort of, sir," I said.

"Gadfry Daniels," he shouted, which is the closet you'll get to hearing God swear.  He's got to be pretty careful about what he says.  For example, if he says, "damn them," then woe to those to whom he was referring.  Like it's a lifetime in hell with no chance of parole.

"I thought 'intelligent design' just integrated My work into Darwinian theory," He said.

"No, that's not exactly what they mean, sir.  They claim that evolution is just a theory."

"Just a theory," He thundered, shattering most of the windows in my house.  I didn't mind, because He's real good about fixing things He's broken when He gets angry.  Sometimes, He even apologizes.  And when He forgets, there's always the Archangels to come along and mop up after Him.

"Don't those Creationist dimwits realize what 'theory' means in science?" He continued.  "In scientific terms, a 'theory' is a unifying concept that's been tested and reaffirmed.  It's not a guess or a hypothesis."

"Well, sir," I offered, "maybe the Creationists don't know that."

"Well go and tell them," He ordered.

"Yes sir, but, you see, I'm not sure they'll listen to me."

He fretted and fumed and made angry God-like noises, which, when you think about it, are the only kind of noises he could make, although, as God, he probably could make any kind of noise he wanted.

"Well, tell them I told you they're bonkers," he said.

"They'll just call me a lackey of the left-wing anti-religion conspiracy and won't believe me," I said.

He sighed, and, I have to tell you, when God sighs, it could just break your heart.

"All this effort to create an intelligent species, and this is what emerges?" He said with great sadness.  I was crying openly.  It's tough to cope with a sad Lord of the Universe.  "People who'll treat a book like gospel that's been translated so many times into so many versions, the only truths left there are the simple ones.  Like the 20 commandments."

"Um...sir, I think you mean the 10 commandments."

"What?  Oh, right, Moses dropped that second tablet on the way down the mountain.  My fault.  The things were just too heavy.  Anyway, those 10 are enough.  And Jesus' sermon on the mount.  He never talked about Creationism.  He didn't care.  It wasn't important.  What's wrong with these people."

Well, I could go on, because the Lord certainly went on long enough.  But a word to the wise to those folks trying to sneak Creationism into the schoolroom--God ain't on your side.  He thinks you're all idiots. 

Now don't blame me.  I'm just the messenger.