Parodies Lost

Drill, Baby, Drill...But Don't Kill The Baby

Even with oil prices falling as fast as Bush's approval rating, there's no question but that the world demand for petroleum-based energy sources is going to continue to increase at an unsustainable rate.  Also, during the recent election, the Republicans made the surprisingly intelligent statement that we shouldn't be sending billions of bucks to countries who not only hate us but spread terrorism.  (You know who they are.) 

On the other hand, the U.S. could put oil rigs on every possible site we control, and we wouldn't see an ounce of oil for ten years or more.  Oh, say they the elephants, but it'd send a clear message to the oil producers that America is not to be trifled with.  Sure, our puny percentage of recoverable oil is going to strike fear and loathing into their hearts.

But in the waning days of the Bush Empire, the minions of the man from Texas have been hard at work using executive orders to eviscerate environmental laws, and, today, announced a major effort to increase drilling for oil and gas on sensitive public lands.  The Washington Post's front page sported a charming story about drilling near some of the most spectacular natural sites Utah has to offer.

"It's possible to drill in environmentally sensitive areas in safe ways," says White House spokesman Tony "I Am Not A Shill" Fratto.

The article notes that "Environmental activists said oil and gas drilling on the 210 remaining parcels could jeopardize air quality and other natural features of some of the country's most treasured national parks, such as Arches, Canyonlands and Capitol Reef, along with the Grand Staircase-Escalante and Dinosaur national monuments." 

I fully admit I know as much about the improvements in drilling technology as I do about hair restoration claims, but there is one thing I do know: 

Don't screw up Arches, Canyonlands, and Capitol Reef!

I've been to those places, walked in wonder through Arches National Park, stood upon a high hill and looked into the magical mazes of Canyonlands (and someday hope to go back and get lost in them,) and stood in awe of Capital Reef. 

You can put a value on a barrel of oil, but you can't put a value on an aesthetic or spiritual experience that arises when in the presence of one of nature's most extraordinary experiments.  I'm not a religious person but sitting on a rock in Arches simply taking in the sights and sounds of this desert masterpiece is a spiritual experience.  If we could get all the warring people in the world to spend a couple of hours there together, they'd all come out holding hands and singing "Michael Row The Boat Ashore."  (O.k., so I exaggerate...for a good cause.)

Bush has no right to pull this nonsense so close to the end of his reign.  At the same time, if the oil and gas companies could prove, really demonstrate to neutral experts that they could drill in these places without screwing them up and, most important, when they're done, leaving them in exactly the same condition as when they found them, I might reluctantly agree...that is if someone gives me a vote or a voice in the matter.

So drill.  It's going to take decades for us to figure out reasonable alternatives to our oil-dependent economy but while you're drilling, leave the babies healthy and happy.  They're just as valuable...if not more...than the glob or gas you're going to suck from the earth.

Curmudgeon-At-Large

In Jameson Veritas 

Technorati Tags: Bush, oil, natural gas, Utah, Arches National Park, Canyonlands, Capital Reef, drilling, environment
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The State of the Union According to Me

My fellow Americans, I come before you today to deliver an unauthorized and unrequested "State of the Union."  It follows no set format.   Anyone seeking a logical flow will be frustrated.  It's my blog & I'll wander if I want to.

It may seem that our government officials were scraped from the underside of the barrel, but a little historical perspective may help.  Throughout our short history, we've elected some of the dumbest, larcenous, and venal people to national, state, and local offices.  They've robbed us blind, destroyed our infrastructures, ignored serious issues, squeezed more swine into barrels, sent young people off to die in stupid wars, allowed outrageous levels of poverty, despair, and hopelessness.

So, don't feel too bad.  It could be worse.  Wait a minute!  Maybe it is worse.  So what, you'd rather live somewhere else? 

Have Americans ever understood what citizenship means?  John Kennedy (speaking of sleazebags who have been reincarnated into heroes) at least had the good sense to proclaim, "Ask not what your country can do for you.  Ask what you can do for your country."   Silly boy.  Ask rich old people to even consider sharing some of their social security welfare with others & they grow apoplectic. 

A good friend of mine (conservative Republican) who's one of the most decent people I've ever met recently said to me, "there's nothing anyone can do to fix the mess this country & world is in, so I'm just going to worry about me & my family & friends."  Out of a sense of hopelessness, she's spun a cocoon around her & hopes to emerge as a butterfly someday and not a gypsy moth.

And everyone hates us!  Well, not everyone.  Tony Blair thinks we're pretty cool.  It's not a new phenomenon although Bush & Co. have taken the hatred to levels never before imagined.  And the weird thing is that I really do believe that Bush believes that spreading democracy is a good thing (Christian democracy, of course.  Muslims, Hindus, Janes, Jews, et. al need not apply.)  But I wouldn't make the same claim about some of the people around him.  For a time when we were dumping billions on the Egyptians (mid- to late 90s), they loved Americans.  Well, except for the terrorists.  They don't love us anymore. 

Even the French hate us, and, contrary to popular opinion, they do remember and are grateful that we saved their butts in two world wars in the last century.  It's just that we treat other countries like vassals, and while their military might is more like military maybe, they're still a proud people & deserve to be treated with respect.

Whoa.  Respect.   The State of the Union has deteriorated to the point where polite discourse means you don't physically beat the crap out of your opponent--anything else is fair game.  Whatever happened to the Golden Rule?  Isn't that a Christian thing?  So how come the right-wing Christians are the least likely to apply the Golden Rule?  And how come the left-wing radicals have twisted it to read, "Do it to others before they do it to you?"

Economically, the state of the union is very confused.  Remember Truman's famous statement, "Somebody find me a one-handed economist so I won't keep getting, 'On the one hand..."  Well, perhaps I paraphrase, but you get the idea.  Economists can't figure out why long-term bond rates are languishing.  They don't understand why the stock market has both feet stuck in very thick mud.  They don't understand the effects of globalization on the U.S. economy.  And I don't understand anything. 

Health care:  Shame on all of us.

Civil Rights:  Shame on all of us.

Environment:  Shame on all of us.

Energy Alternatives:  Shame on the oil companies who just happen to have populated the current administration.  And, of course, shame on us.  Come on, people, SUVs?

Foreign Policy:  Do we have one?

In a nutshell, then, my fellow Americans, is the State of the Union.  The best one can say is, "It's been worse."  Of course, one can also say, "And it could get a lot worse."

I'd leave for Canada, but have you seen their health care system?  And their snow?  And they're too goddamned polite.  So I guess I'm stuck here.  But I'm going to be respectful about it.

In Jameson's Veritas.

The Newest Celebrity: Me

Yes, you're reading it here first.  I am the latest CELEBRITY to be sought after by millions--nay billions of adoring fans. 

I can barely leave my house without people holding up their babies bald heads for me to sign.  Panhandlers give me money.  I've been asked to testify at at least 15 Congressional hearings--I don't know what they're about, but I'm sure to have an opinion that'll hit the front pages of all the major media.

It's not just my looks. There's so much more to me than this.                               

For example, I think things, sometimes.  I look great in everything I wear.  And other things, you know.

Hmmm.  Wait a minute.  I'm not sure that's the way I want to look.  For one thing, I'm a male-type person.  So forget that picture.  Here's the real me.

Ah, much better.  And now I'm in color, which is important in this age of celebrity worship.  I mean, who'd want to worship someone in black and white--like, how retro do people want to be, dude.

Here's what I'm going to do for those of you who are faithful readers of my celebrity blog. 

I only shave every two weeks or so.  I'm  going to save all the hairs & sell them at reasonable prices on this very site.  Same goes with finger and toe nail clippings, cigarette butts, empty bottles of Jameson's Irish Whiskey & fine wine, and whatever else I can think of. 

Also, feel free to just send money because I'm a celebrity & I'll send you a thank you suitable for framing. 

You all are so lucky to be reading this.  I'm actually envious of you.