Parodies Lost

I'm Confused About...Attitudes Towards Bush

In my continuing series on things that confuse me, I decided to begin with an article in today's New York Times, "Partisan Divide on Iraq Exceeds Split on Vietnam." Basically, three-quarters of Republicans think we did the right thing in invading Iraq, the same percentage of Democrats think we were wrong, and independents have been sliced in half -- which must have been very painful.  (It would have been nicer to just have them move to one side of the room or the other...but you know pollsters.)

This is a bad thing -- not the slicing of independents -- say many wise people and members of both parties.  "They worry about the long-term consequences of such bitter partisan polarization and its effect on the longstanding tradition — although one often honored in the breach — that foreign policy is built on bipartisan trust and consensus." 

Let's face it, when someone as conservative as former Senator John Danforth (R-MO) weighs in on the side of reason, somebody ought to pay attention.  “The old idea that politics stops at the water’s edge is no longer with us, and I think we’ve lost something as a result,” said John C. Danforth, also former ambassador to the United Nations under President Bush.   Even Senator Richard J. Durbin, (D-IL) said, “There used to be some unwritten rules when it came to foreign policy.”

Oddly, this violent divide does not apply across the spectrum of foreign policy issues, so there must be something special about Iraq.  Oh, the Times has experts on both sides trying to explain it, but it's a lot of politico-babble.  They don't get it either.Why am I confused...or more confused than normally?  (And I admit an anti-administration bias on this one.)  First, Republicans confuse me because:

• The administration lied to us about the necessity and timing of the war.  You can love Bush and still say, "Hey, George, come on, admit the WMD thing was a ploy to start and end of the war prior to the elections.  It's okay.  We'll still respect you in the morning.
• The administration didn't even listen to its own military and foreign policy experts on winning the peace, which is why things continue to deteriorate four years later.  And they're still not listening.  Does someone need a hearing aid?
• Look, Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld aren't stupid people.  They saw the reports on how tough it was going to be to win the peace.  What happened, enquiring minds want to know?  What made them so dense?
• They still talk about one Iraq as if it wasn't a made-up country sharply divided along sectarian lines.
• And why won't Republicans say, "You know what, I love the Republican party and I love Dubya, but oy vey, vat a mess they made in Iraq?"  Would it kill them?  Call me naive, but I'd have a lot more respect for them if they just admitted a Republican can make a mistake.  Hell, lots of Democrats have made mistakes.  In fact, there's a Wall of Shame at the Democratic National Committee.  It's an honor to be included.
• Last I heard, Republicans and especially conservatives wanted government out of our lives...smaller government...more accountability.  Why aren't they worried about the massive internal spying of American citizens going on?  You think you're immune?  And you call me naive. 

Imagine this -- you send an e-mail or post somewhere something that contains the secret words "Pluck Your Magic Twanger, Froggie" for those of you old enough to understand.  Whammo, your name goes into a file which is accessible to Lord knows who.  Then one day you apply for a job or a loan, somebody does a security check, and your name pops up.  They don't know why, but you get turned down, and you'll never know why.  As they escort you out the door, you're screaming, "But I'm a card-carrying Republican conservative.  You can't do this to me."  Sorry, Charlie.  You've been Bush-whacked.

• Audit Finds U.S. Hid Cost of Iraq Projects.  Don't Republicans want corruption out of government?  Well, the Times did it again on the front page. I'm confused.  Why aren't you pissed that the administration is still lying and deceiving you?
• This has nothing to do with whether we should or shouldn't be in Iraq, or whether Bush is a good or bad man/president.  It has to do with what I thought were your core values.

But it doesn't end there, my friends.  Democrats are just as confusing.

• Don't we (Democrats) realize that Osama "I gonna kick your butt" bin Laden was praying for the U.S. to invade Iraq because he didn't think we'd have the balls to stick it out?  We can't leave now.  We (meaning the U.S.) certainly could do a better job, but even though everyone hates us, I'd rather be hated than seen as a toothless tiger.  It's a bad world out there.
• What are we, a bunch of whatever animal it is that eats its young?  Or in this case, old.  Joe Lieberman is now the canary in the mines for the Dems.  Are we going to be as stupid as the Republicans and have purity tests so only the most liberal can win office?  Whoa.  Smart thinking -- let's alienate anyone who might be a centrist.
• Why have we forgotten that the Democrats are the party that can't agree on anything -- with a tent so big even Ronald Reagan was once a member?  In diversity lies stength.  In uniformity lies death -- not to mention boredom.  Out of the debates and disagreements comes, eventually, a common ground that more people can relate to.  So why are we trying to kill that and become Tom "Don't You Hire A Democrat" Delay?
• There are terrifying similarities between Vietnam and Iraq, but they are mostly military blunders and stupidity.  There is no similarity in terms of intent or purpose.
• When it comes to foreign policy, you try to keep the fight inside the house; to the rest of the word, you present a united front.  (Of course it would help if Bush would consult with Congress once in a while...but that's a whole other issue.)  If we Dems are responsible for "losing Iraq," not only is the party toast, but them weirdo Islamic radicals are going to be dancing in the streets for years.  "America:  Talk Big And Carry A Little Schtick."

So I'm confused.  Can't we just all get along...no, bad quote.  Can't we agree that we've got common cause in this Messopotamia and work together to figure out a path towards success?  Why are we all being so bone-headedly stupid?   

Democratic big shots with whom I've spoken say Bush is basically a decent guy.  He's no Nixon.  He may be getting the worst advice since Custer was told to ride into Little Big Horn.  He may have advisors who are living in another galaxy from a long time ago...but demonizing him is dumb. 

So Democrats, can you/we stop playing politics just long enough to know that fixing Iraq is a very big deal and that calling conservative Republicans bad names is not a good way to start a dialogue?

And Republicans.  What's so hard about admitting that we've got a small mess on our hands, that it's basically America's mess, and it would be a very good thing to clean it up, which means stop calling everyone who disagrees with you a pinko, commie, American hating, flag-burning, liberal.  This may come as a surprise, but when people call me that, I'm less likely to listen to what comes next.

And that's only part of what I'm confused about in terms of Bushism -- but at some point  you have to stop writing and get more coffee.

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I’m Confused About...Democrats

This is the third in my continuing series about things that confuse me.

I am a Democrat. My mother and father were Democrats. In my family, if you’re not a Democrat, you’re something else.

So when I say that the Democrats are confusing me into bewilderment, it’s said with undying loyalty to a band of gypsies trudging through the forest, beset by wolves, mosquitoes, snakes, and killer rabbits in search of a safe campsite.

Now, the good thing about being a pundit-in-training is that you don’t have to really know anything. You just have to opine. And the good thing about being a curmudgeon is that you can rant and rail to your heart’s content with no content whatsoever.

But I digress. Democrats.

What are you thinking? Or are you thinking? The elephants are handing you this election on a silver platter with silver place settings for hundreds, and you’re acting like donkeys.

As a party member in mediocre standing, I have some questions:

• What do we stand for?
• What are our values?
• How are we different from the elephants?
• What can reasonably be done about the Mesopotamia?
• How can we fix the budget crisis looming over social security, Medicaid, Medicare, and the failure of science to cure the heartbreak of baldness?
• Is Hillary too sexy to be president? (According to Sharon Stone, she is.)
• The country’s infrastructure is falling apart. Do you have a plan to make it safe to drive over bridges without the tune, “London Bridge is falling down,” running through your brain?
• What are you going to do about the outsourcing of tech support to Indians whose command of the English language rivals that of Lithuanians in mountain villages?
• What’s your plan to turn America’s global image around so we’re no longer the assholes of the world?
• Do we have an outrage factor anymore, or are we content to sit quietly, hands folded in laps, praying that the elephants will self-destruct? Do you know how hard it is to self-destruct something as big as an elephant? Have you ever tried?
• Are there people in leadership who have a sense of humor? Can you unleash them? Don’t you realize that laughter and ridicule are the best weapons against the hapless elephants? Elephants may never forget, but they don’t have a very good sense of humor. (They do have an outstanding outrage factor, which they turn on us to great effect. Doesn’t that piss you off? And, if it does, why aren’t you doing anything about it?)
• The true poverty rate in the country has to be close to 25%, and yet where’s the moral challenge to Americans to establish a “living” wage rather than a “minimum” wage? And how do you work with businesses to make it possible for them to provide that without outsourcing McDonalds to Lithuania?

Alas, these are but a few questions, the answers to which are blowin’ in the wind, the answers are blowin’ in the wind.

The latest scientific poll I conducted among a few close friends shows that 1% think the elephants aren’t worth their own droppings, 1% think the donkeys aren’t worth the elephant droppings, 2% think anyone would be better than everyone we have, and 96% are watching the Masters' and wouldn’t respond. I’ll tell you, those are scary numbers.

Here’s some good advice.

• Do something. Anything. It’ll startle the elephants and amaze the donkeys and non-animals (Independents.)
• Try honesty and sincerity and empathy. You may come across as human which will startle everyone, including yourselves.
• Come up with a plan. Don’t call it perfect. Don’t proclaim that it will cure all the world’s ills (except baldness). Call it a start. Ask for advice and counsel.
• Restore civility in Congress. Be nice to an elephant. That’ll surprise them to the point of coronary failure.
• Stay above partisan bickering. Agree with them when they’re right.
• Respectfully disagree or seek compromise when they’re wrong.
• Admit mistakes. The American people have an amazing tolerance for error if people will just apologize, ask for forgiveness, and promise to do better in the future. (What the hell, given that I can’t think of anything you’ve done, you can’t do worse.)
• Avoid the one-trick pony trap. Establish a broad set of values and beliefs that define what it means to be a Democrat and yet allows for a diversity of opinion.

My fellow Democrats, the future is before us, the past is behind us, the present is upon us. We stand on the brink of the future, gazing from the present wistfully into the past. The future is unknown. The past is a creation of our minds. The present goes by so quickly, it’s already the future.

Think about that!

In Jamesons Veritas

I'm Confused About...Politicians

Entry number two in the "I'm Confused About" series.

Politicians. It's often said that to know them is to hate them; to watch government in action is like watching sausage being made by the three wicked witches in Macbeth who haven't washed their hands since the beginning of time. And to participate in the political process is equivalent to eating the sausages with your bare hands after you've slopped the pigs, baled the hay, and milked the cows.

The problem is that I've known lots of politicians. Starting way back when the world was young...or, rather I was young. What confuses me is that I've liked most of them — I'd say the vast majority even. Conservative, liberal, Republican, Democrat, Independent, Bipolar, Alcoholic, sexual deviants — the whole bunch.

Individually, I've found honor and decency, thoughtfulness, and a willingness to consider various points of view. Why is it, then, that collectively, it's like watching monkeys in a zoo?

A few years ago, I was on a private jet flying to some conservative educational conference (I was client hunting if you must know), and I met a religious conservative Republican congressman who'd promised his constituents that he'd only serve three terms. His third term was half over, and he was honestly and sincerely trapped in what he saw as a moral dilemma. His promise — his word — carried great moral weight, and yet he realized that it had been a dumb promise by someone who knew nothing about the Byzantine maze that is D.C.

Three terms—six years—hell, you barely learn how to find the congressional gym. He believed he had so much more to offer, but how could he go back on his word? He and I agreed on just about nothing politically, but he won my respect because he wasn't just mouthing platitudes, he was sincerely torn and distressed. Of course the story would be a lot better if I knew the ending, but I don't know whether he ran again or not. Oh well, that's not the point.

The point is that there's something in the process of government — or perhaps it occurs when three or more people come together to accomplish something — that turns decent people into political hacks.

Part of it is the power. If you've never experienced it, you can't imagine how seductive it is — literally. I once worked for an elected official who'd have won every "ugly man" contest in every bar in America, but beautiful, astonishing women threw themselves at him. Even weirder, just because I worked for him, some of that power aura rubbed off on me, and beautiful women threw themselves at me. I, of course, turned them all down. But it's more than sex. Power + conviction + adulation + principles = mental illness.

Those who've followed my rantings know that Dubya's not my favorite president, but I was at a political dinner in his first term and sat next to Andrew Card, his chief of staff. He was one of the nicest, most interesting, decent people I've ever met.

I also didn't think much of Bill Clinton, but I was at a small dinner towards the end of his term and sat at his table. The man's absolutely brilliant and charming.

Why then, does administration after administration wreak havoc with their ham-handed attempts at policy making? Why does Congress act like a bunch of vultures fighting over dead carcasses?

Part of it's our fault. You, me, and the rest of the American people who tell pollster after pollster that we're sick and tired of negative ads and dirty campaigns, and then elect the person who's done the best job of smearing his or her opponent. Then we demand more than anyone can deliver, and we vote as if our brains had been fermented in bourbon. (Notice I don't say Irish whiskey.)

Sure, there are addled-brained pols just like there are nitwit corporate big wigs, but, individually, most pols aren't addled-brained or corrupt or sinister. So why do administrations and Congress continually screw everything up?

The pols don't like the system. More and more are retiring or complaining about how idiotic the process has become. It's not what they want. It's not what we want. So how come it's what we've got?

I'm confused.

In Jamesons Veritas

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I'm Confused About...Jews

The world is driving me nuts, so I thought I'd start a series about things and groups and incidents that confuse me.  There's enough grist for this mill to supply the world in wheat for 20 lifetimes.  I mean, be honest, can you make sense out of the world?  Really?  Then you're taking some really good dope and not sharing, which is a bad thing.  Everywhere I turn, things get more and more strange, inexplicable, illogical, and downright bizarre.  Forget parody.  I can barely write about reality without thinking my brain's been infected by nanotechnological gizmos that are distorting reality.

So, I'm beginning a series on things that confuse me.  I'm starting with Judaism and Jews for two reasons.  First, I'm Jewish (although an agnostic) and no matter how pissed off the Jews get, they're not going to take out a million dollar bounty for my head on a silver platter.  Second, I've been confused about the religion since I was forced to study it in my young years--many years ago in a galaxy far way.

Forget the notion of a literal interpretation of the Bible.  That way leads down two paths--one leads to utter confusion and despair, the other to total insanity.  But let's rather just look at the stories.

Here's old Abraham--I mean really old, like over 90 and God finally gives him and his wife a son.  That's a pretty big deal in those days--both being over 90 and getting pregnant.  And that's after all the visits to fertility clinics, sacrifices of lambs, sheep, chickens, and ducks, not to mention potions whipped up by the greasy-haired old hags, standing around a cauldron singing, Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn, and caldron bubble.

Oh wait...that isn't the old Testament.  Oh well, close enough.

Anyway, God wakes up Abe one night, who isn't sleeping all that well anyway because he's got a young kid, and tells him to take his son up to a mountain and lop off his head.  Are you kidding me?  Now God knows that it's just a test of Abe's faith, but Abe doesn't know that.  What a shitty thing to do.  Why not just give him a psych test to see if he's really faithful.  Do a Rorschach thing showing him pictures of lions sleeping with lambs or something.

And Abe does it!!!  He drags the kid up to the top of a mountain & is about to whack his head off when God says, "Nah, I've changed My mind.  There's a lamb.  Go kill that."

What kind of God treats the father of his new religion that way?  What kind of person would treat someone that way?  And then there's Noah & the flood.  You mean to tell me that of all the people in the world, only Noah, his wife, sons and wives were the only decent people?  What about the little babies who drowned?  How evil could they have been.  (Well, I've met some really annoying kids, but there must have been one or two good ones.) 

And Sodom and Gomorrah.  Evil cities.  God tells Lot to get his family and run to the hills...but don't look back, he warns.  Lot's wife looks back.  What's a fair punishment? Whack her on the ass with a birch branch, give her webbed feet, turn her hair gray?  No, he turns her into a pillar of salt, which is great for the cattle who always need salt licks, but is pretty damn harsh when you think about it.

And Egypt.  Hey, I'm glad the Jews escaped, but God, himself, God and not a ministering angel, killed all the first-born sons in Egypt.  I'm sorry, but my freedom isn't worth the death of thousands of innocent children. 

It goes on and on, but it's not just the Bible.  The Jewish religion is very weird.  Not satisfied with the Ten Commandments, a bunch of know-it-alls in the middle ages came up with a few hundred more.  And someone got the bright idea that the religion only passed through the mother...obviously not Lot's wife...so if a Jewish man marries a non-Jewish woman, wham, the kids are goyim.

And just try to convert.  It's easier to grow hair on a bald head than convert to Judaism.  And why?  Maybe there was a time when that made sense, but it's stupid now.  We're running out of Jews.  Change the stupid rule.  And while you're at it, get rid of most of those idiotic Kosher laws originally passed for health purposes.  I'm sorry, but any religion that tells me I can eat bacon ain't going to get a lot of respect from me.

Now, here's a tough one.  Growing up in an Italian neighborhood, I heard more about hell and purgatory and venial, cardinal, and mortal sins than just about anything else.  Kids used to keep track of how they were doing in amassing them.  But Jews?  There's barely a concept of heaven, and as far as I can tell, none about hell.  In the Torah, the Five Books of Moses, the source from which springs everything else, no one talks about an afterlife.  What good's a religion without an afterlife? 

Finally, Jews and their relationship to God.  If that isn't bizarre, I'm a Lithuanian.  Jewish men--I don't think Jewish women do this & don't know why not--but older Jewish men have the strangest relationship with God since the ancient Greeks and Romans.  Christians talk about a personal relationship with God, but do they argue, whine, complain, berate, question God's wisdom and fairness, and His overall lack of good sense?  It's like talking to an old friend where the nature of the relationship is kvetching.  There's a certain lack of respect there that's just got to piss God off.

Yeah, we're the chosen people...but chosen for what?  I'm confused.

In Jamesons Veritas

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