Parodies Lost

Intelligent Life in the Universe?

'Tis a question that rocks the very sages back on their well-worn heels--is there intelligent life in the universe.  I used to think SETI (Search for Extra-terresteral Life) was an exercise in humanity's search into the unknown.  Now I know better. 

In a recent interview, Dr. Leopold E. Paster, astrophysicist at the Jerkes Astronomical Observatory,  revealed the truth about SETI.  Luckily, we were in a bar in New Orleans, we were down and out...wait, someone else wrote that.  Well, we were three sheets to the wind, whatever that means, which caused him to let down his guard and reveal the truth.

At the time, we were talking about the bar maid.  Although we could only dimly make her out through the smoke in the room and fog in our brains, we both agreed she was a real looker.  That set him off.

"Looker...looking...searching," he muttered.  "That just brings back memories I'm trying to crush."

"What's that?" I asked, searching for my drink.

"Looking...SETI...Is there intelligent life in the universe."

"Well," I asked, finding my drink on the floor and deciding it was easier to order another one than try to get the Jameson's Irish whiskey from the floor back into the glass, "is there?"

"Bah, who cares?" he said sadly.  "The real question is, is there intelligent life on earth?"

Truly, I was shocked.  How could he ask such a question?  So I asked him.

"How can you ask such a question?"

He gave me a withering look.  "Open your eyes, meatball.  Look at what's going on around you."

I looked around and saw a bunch of drunks and what I was sure was a very cute bar maid.

"Well," I said, "this is a small sample."

"Bah and more bah," he said.  "Do you realize that a majority of Americans don't think humans evolved from earlier species?  Almost half don't think plants and animals evolved.  Almost two-thirds think we were created directly by God.  There's a museum in Petersburk, Kentucky where they tell people that T-Rex lived in Eden."

"No wonder Adam and Eve bolted," I said.  "Hard to call it Eden when you've got some maurading dinosaur trying to turn you into a mid-morning snack."

"No," he said.  "They claim that this T-Rex was a vegetarian."

My jaw dropped.  He looked at me and shook his head. 

"Just look at you gaping like some moronic elected representative of the people, which brings up more evidence that there's no intelligent life on earth.  Do you know who the most respected world leader is?"

"George Bush?" I guessed.

"He proves my point once again," Dr. Paster said to himself.  "No, according to a Gallop Poll, it's Vladimir Putin.  When I heard that, I almost choked, but then I started thinking.  It's a set-up poll.  It's like asking which turd floating in a pond is the least offensive.  Face it, can you think of one president in your lifetime that you're proud of?  Or one politician today you'd enthusiastically support for president?"

"Edward Kennedy?" I was getting desperate and confused.

"Dolt," he muttered.  "We go to war for the wrong reasons, we don't know what to do when we've won the war, there's an earthquake that kills tens of thousands in Kashmir and the Muslims and Hindus are still killing each other there, middle class Muslims are becoming born again suicidal maniacs, the Chinese are working mightily to win the prize for the greatest pollutor in the history of humanity...ah, who cares?"

"I care," I said meekly.

"Sure you do.  Do you care that we've created a world where millions of children a year die of malaria when the proper use of DDT would save them--but, no, DDT bad, hurts little birdie eggs, let the babies die.  Do you care that millions of American children go to bed hungry every night?  Do you care that...ah, forget it."

Well, Dr. Paster went on for a long time, but that's all I can remember...except for the startling revelation that scientists were looking for intelligent life in in the universe in the faint hope they could get them to come here and straighten things out.

(By the way, Leopold E. Paster is not his real name...but if you're smart, you can figure it out.)

'urp.

The Big Lie in Politics

It's as old as the Republic itself--the big lie.  In fact, it's probably as old as government.  I bet the guys in togas walking into Socrates's cell with a cup of hemlock told him it was a new flavor of Gatorade.  And he probably believed them.

For ages, the administration has been telling us that Iran (which in Farsi means, "the evil empire") was five years away from having THE BOMB.  Oops, seems they were wrong. 

According to the Washington Post, "a major U.S. intelligence review has projected that those nasty Persians are no where near that goal.  According to our own spooks, Iran is 10 years away from being able to make a nuclear bomb.

Contrast that with administration claims offered with no proof.

Does this mean that Iran isn't trying to build one?  Personally, I wouldn't trust them with a book of matches--one of those confiscated by the overzealous airport officials who will let me bring a sharp-pointed fountain pen onto a plane but not a book of matches.  Go figure.

Wouldn't it be sweet if we had an administration that thought the truth was something more than a commodity to be used as a bargaining chip?  It's Democrats & Republicans.  They do their 180 degree spin depending on whether they're in power or not.  It wouldn't be so bad except for the moral outrage that accompanies the latest proclamations. 

Let's see, who's thinking of running in 2008 who would be an honest politician?  Hold on, give me a minute, will you, this isn't easy.  Let me go do some research, & I'll get back to you on this one.

Time Magazine's vs. The First Amendment

Everyone was so worried when mega-corps started buying up media sources.  Silly wabbits. 

"Oh, journalistic standards will be dictated by pencil pushers & lawyers," they said.  Nonsense.  Time Magazine has come out strongly defending the integrity of the First Amendment.  They're also going to buckle to a federal court and a hapless Supreme Court by handing over documents naming confidential sources.

Norman Pearlstine, Editor in Chief offered an explanation that would do Richard Nixon proud.  After waxing poetically about how crucial are First Amendment rights protecting the media, he demonstrates a bizarre lack of understanding of history.  "The same Constitution that protects the freedom of the press requires obedience to final decisions of the courts and respect for their rulings and judgments. That Time Inc. strongly disagrees with the courts provides no immunity."

Norm, if I may be so familiar, ever hear of "civil disobedience?"  Americans have the moral obligation to defy a law they believe is wrong or unconstitutional--and then accept the consequences of their actions.  Even your own reporter disagrees with your actions.  He's willing to go to jail for his convictions.

Remember when they threw Thoreau in jail (over some tax issue, wasn't it?) and his pal Emerson walked by and said, "Henry, what are you doing in there?"

Thoreau responded, "Ralph, what are you doing out there?"

Your masters at Time-Warner, Inc. must be proud of you.  However, a friendly hint--remove all mirrors from your house.  If it were me, I wouldn't want to see what's looking back at me. 

This Be a Christian Congress, a Christian America

God's so lucky to have someone like Rep. John N. Hostettler (R-Ind.) protecting Her interests in America.  Why just yesterday, according to The Washington Post, Hostettler took the floor of the House and accused Democrats of "denigrating and demonizing Christians."

Oh my gosh.  Those devil worshiping Democrats are at it again.  God's gift to America didn't stop there.

"'The long war on Christianity in America continues today on the floor of the House of Representatives' and 'continues unabated with the aid and comfort to those who would eradicate any vestige of our christian heritage being supplied by the usual suspects, the Democrats'."

Holy Righteousness, I had no idea.  I feel so foolish.  And I've voted and given money to these Godless, anti Christian Democrats. 

I do have one simple question:  How in the world do morons like Hostettler ever get elected???  This was the same Christian who last year got arrested for trying to take a loaded Glock 9mm semiautomatic onto an airplane.  Oops, he said, he forgot he'd put it in his briefcase.

FORGOT?  That's the scariest part of all.  Walk around with a gun that'll blow the head off King Kong and forget you've got it.  Way too casual an attitude about guns, regardless of ones position on gun control. 

On the other hand, Jesus always went armed.  With honesty, dignity, truth, honor, patience, forgiveness, understanding...and a whole lot of other qualities the good congressman from Indiana would never understand.

But he's just a symptom--really a pawn--in a Congress that's gotten so vindictive that good people are fleeing like Christians running from the lions in the Roman Colosseum. 

Compare him to John Rhodes, former Republican minority leader, profiled wonderfully by J. Brian Smith in John Rhodes, Man of the House.  I've heard so many people from both sides of the aisle long for the days when decency, civility, and a profound love for the institution of Congress ruled. 

The hell with killing all the lawyers, let's get rid of the morons who are ruining our government--in both parties, in both the House & the Senate & in the White House.

Let's All Get Fat

Let's hear it for Discover Magazine, who, in it's July issue, had a short blurb that it's good to be fat. 

Here's what they wrote:  "Researchers from the Centers for Disease Control and the National Cancer Institute say OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE have a lower risk of death than those of normal weight."

Excuse me?  That's it?  It's like a reporter on Fox News intoning, "This just in, smokers have a lower risk of lung cancer than non smokers.  Now, back to our continuing coverage of today's scourge:  teenage acne."

You gotta love scientists, government researchers & the media--I think there's a conspiracy to drive us all crazy.

Gotta go now.  Gonna power down some Oreos, Hostess cup cakes, Reese's cups, and have a milkshake to wash 'em down. 

Schiavo Redux: Frist Flops

It's beyond amazing.  It's absolumentary mind bogglingly stupifying.  And it's mostly Bill Clinton's fault for introducing grammatical intricacies into the language.  ("It's all a question of what 'is' is.")  And Braveheart Bush has to take some blame:  "WPM? WPM?  We do need no stinkin' WPM!"

I haven't commented on the Schiavo case because there's no humor in a bunch of moronic Congressmen trying to score political points off a comatose woman, but since it was discovered that, uh oh, she really was brain dead, the absolute, bold-faced lies by wannabe-president Senator Frist .

Our Senate majority leader, Dr. Frist, blitzing the media yesterday, insisted, as reported in The Washington Post, "I'm just a humble country Senator, not some fancy-schmancy Doctor."  He told the "Today" show, "I never, never on the floor of the Senate, made a diagnosis, nor would I ever do that."

Ooops.  March 17.  Senate speech by DOCTOR First.  He's commenting "more as a physician than as a United States Senator."  He also said he'd talked with neurologists who'd evaluated Schiavo, and concluded, "That is not somebody in a persistent vegetative state."  Hmm, call me crazy, but that sounds suspiciously like a diagnosis to me.  But it really all does hinge on that critical question:  how do you define "diagnosis?"

(By the way, thirty-one of his Harvard Med School classmates sent him a letter saying "he had used is medical degree improperly.")

Here's a weird thought--what if Frist actually believes his lies?  What if, in his own mind, he really has distorted what he said just 3 months ago?  I'm not sure which is scarier--his lying or the possibility that he can engage in such dangerous mental gymnastics.  Hey, given how often this goes own, maybe self-deception should be a new Olympic sport.

At least the media is calling Frist on his flopping.  Somebody should yank his medical license--I'd hate to have him evaluating my medical condition. 

Liberal Media Bias, My...Foot

Well, much as we'd like to have ignored politics forever, the absurdity of modern life keeps drawing us back like a chocoholic to an Oreo cookie.

The latest is how the blogosphere and web are alive with the sound of music. No, that's not right. They're raging infernos of outrage directed against the media for failing to adequately cover the Downing Street memo--proving once and for all that reporters, most of whom work for mega-conglomerates where wealthy contributors to the Bush Bubble Machine sit astride the Constitution as if it were a porta-potty.

Whew...what a sentence. Read that one again.

If that were all, I'd go back to sleep, but a Frank Rich editorial in last Sunday's New York Times is the real story. (Since the Times won't let you in unless you've got a subscription, I'll liberally steal from his article.)

Basically, Rich argues that the current administration's muzzling and intimidation of the press makes Nixon & his band of wild and crazy guys look like a bunch of contestants on “American Idol”--that testament to the coming Fall of the American Empire. But I digress. Here's Rich talking about how Bush & the Bushettes are handling the First Amendment, and look who he cites:

“’The fundamental right of Americans, through our free press, to penetrate and criticize the workings of our government is under attack as never before’ was how the former Nixon speech writer William Safire put it on this page almost nine months ago. The current administration, a second-term imperial presidency that outstrips Nixon's in hubris by the day, leads the attack, trying to intimidate and snuff out any Woodwards or Bernsteins that might challenge it, any media proprietor like Katharine Graham or editor like Ben Bradlee who might support them and any anonymous source like Deep Throat who might enable them to find what Carl Bernstein calls ‘the best obtainable version of the truth.”

The media aren't liberals--they're wimps.

“The attacks continue to be so successful that even now, long after many news organizations, including The Times, have been found guilty of failing to puncture the administration's prewar W.M.D. hype, new details on that same story are still being ignored or left uninvestigated. [RE: the Downing Street memo] In the 19 daily Scott McClellan briefings that followed, the memo was the subject of only 2 out of the approximately 940 questions asked by the White House press corps. This is the kind of lapdog news media the Nixon White House cherished.

"The main difference is that in the Nixon White House, the president's men plotted behind closed doors. The current administration is now so brazen it does its dirty work in plain sight.

"In the most recent example, all the president's men slimed and intimidated Newsweek by accusing it of being an accessory to 17 deaths for its errant Koran story; led by Scott McClellan, they said it was unthinkable that any American guard could be disrespectful of Islam's holy book. These neo-Colsons easily drowned out Gen. Richard Myers, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and Afghanistan president, Hamid Karzai, both of whom said that the riots that led to the 17 deaths were unrelated to Newsweek.

"Then came the pièce de résistance of Nixon mimicry: a Pentagon report certifying desecrations of the Koran by American guards was released two weeks after the Newsweek imbroglio, at 7:15 p.m. on a Friday, to assure it would miss the evening newscasts and be buried in the Memorial Day weekend's little-read papers."

Well, enough plagiarism. If you're not disgusted by now--liberal or conservative--you need to get your outrage meter checked. Or move to Iran, Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Russia, or any country where the word of the master is the word of God.

What is wrong with us, Mr. &; Mrs. & Miss & Ms. America???

Politics is Boring, Let's Pick on Somthing Else

This morning, I got through the first section of The Washington Post is five minutes.  That's been happening more and more lately.  I mean really, how much stupid news can one person take and continue to believe that there are any sane people left in the world?

Comrade Putin continues to demonstrate he's simply another sordid dictator continuing a thousand-year-old history of crushing the Russian people.  The Surpreme Court of Fools is giving the middle finger to those who require medical uses marijuana when all else fails.  The President of Bolivia's offering to resign.  The President of the U.S. should offer to resign or be impeached simply because he's becoming too boring to tolerate.  If you rearrange the letters of Iraq, take out a few letters, add a few more, it spells Vietnam, but no one seems to care anymore.  Pension funds are so underfunded a lot of folks, when they retire, are going to be happy to be buying jug wine with their cat food.

Oh yawn & apple struddles, let's find something else to discuss.

I've got it. 

Fat people got no reason to,
fat people got no reason to,
fat people got no reason to live...

Oops, wrong lyrics.  Sorry Randy, it's "short" people.  Oh well.  But here's an issue worthy of debate--is it better to be short and thin or tall and fat?  The Dear Little Leader of North Korea wears 5 inch lifts, but he's not a porker?  (At least I don't think he is. )  And look how well he's doing.

Let's face it, the ballooning of America continues and we're dragging the rest of the world along.  (Don't worry, I'm doing my part as well.  "Another jelly donut, honey, please.")

And we don't see ourselves.  People walk along wearing clothes that accentuates their rolling hills, their majestic mountain peaks, their deepening, dark valleys of despair. 

"Honey, does this make my butt look big?"  Answer, "Dear, nothing could make it look any smaller, so don't worry."

Well, we can't help ourselves. 

"I'm proud to be an American
Where any man can grow tits
Where  women pushing 70
Wear dresses with long slits

Displaying thighs so wrinkled,
So covered with dark veins
It's amazing there's no outcry,
Shouldn't someone at least complain?

But I'm proud to be an American
We're setting everybody free
To look and act like we do
From sea to dying sea

I'm proud the ice cap's melting
Cause I know we've done our part
We'll wave goodbye as the islands die
Hey, I never said we're smart.

So raise your cups to America
Be proud of the red, white, black and blue
It's amazing we're still standing
After what we've put her through.

The End.  Thank you, and goodnight, Mr. and Mrs. America, wherever you are.

Proud to Be an American on Memorial Day

Let us give thanks this Memorial day for all the things we Americans can be proud of: -- Not only are we outsourcing American jobs to people who barely speak intelligible English, we're even outsourcing people who just might, perhaps, maybe seem to be terrorists although we have no proof, to our dear friends in Syria et al. so they can be beaten, chained, tortured into confessing their sins so that other Americans can be outsourced to those same states. Some are murdered? Small price to pay for freedom. -- Companies such as IBM and others are putting together huge funds so they can dump their 50 year old plus employees who'll find it impossible to get jobs or health care in the new economy. -- Conservatives are explaining to us we never really invaded Iraq because of WMD or Sadam's support of terrorism--we did it because it was the right thing to do. -- Hundreds of Iraqis and dozens of American are being killed each week as we climb that mountain top of freedom. No end in sight? No adequate armor or arms for our troops, falsifying the number of Iraqis being trained in police work? Pshaw. A small price to pay for...whatever it is we're after in Iraq. -- One quarter of U.S. children living in poverty. -- 45 millions Americans (and growing every day) without health insurance. -- Economic time bombs ticking away in the U.S. while the President promotes Godliness and Congress argues how many filibusters can dance on the head of a judicial nominee. -- The media being led around on a short leash by the Bush Bubble Machine if they make a mistake while missing every major story out there. Wow! And that's without spending any time thinking about all the other things we should be proud of. America! What a place.

Nothing To Say Today

Sorry, but the rhetoric machine has run dry.  Every day, the newspapers have the same stories I read the day before...I swear it's all recycled, only the dates are changed to protect the innocent.

Republicans are morons.  Democrats are idiots.  Independents are chicken.

The media wouldn't know how to create an interesting story if it was written for them by a flock of monkeys tied to torture machines (AKA microsoft software and anyone's hardware) in some Iraqi prison. 

But the really important news--the news that's going to make you sit up and gasp--is that tomorrow, I drop off my magnum opus, the Great American novel, to a real-live agent who, if he is foolish enough to be suckered into accepting it, may foist it on an unsuspecting public. 

Let's face it, folks, this would be bigger than the second coming.  (There's an obscene reference there, but I'll leave it be.)  This blog will turn into shameless commerce & anyone foolish enough to land here will be harassed until they buy at least 20 copies of the book.  Well, maybe 10.  Ok, you can get away with 1.

So, like I said, I've got nothing to say.  It's after 1 a.m. and I can't sleep because my fingers are all in a knot and my best friend, my docter, won't even tell me what it is I've got.  (A free signed copy to anyone who can identify the source of that last bit of doggerel.)  Plus I'm typing in the dark, so I can't be held responsible for typos.

Of course, he won't say yes tomorrow.  He's only read 130 pages and there are 460 yet to go.  What moron would write a 600 page fiction book when he's never published even a 1 page fiction book?  Who?  Moi.  But it's not my fault.  I had no idea where it was going from the beginning.

And that's the truth. 

And so to bed.  (Another free copy to the first person to id the source of that quote.)

Mark, shut up & go to bed!

Goodnight Mr & Mrs America.

Fat & Breast Cancer: When Will The Media Learn?

Front page news--low fat diet may reduce risk of recurring breast cancer.

For years, health news reported by the media, good and bad, has either given people false hopes or scared them silly.  Only later did we discover--and almost never on the front page--that the studies were inconclusive and found to be useless or, worse, that just the opposite was the case. 

The public is so fed up that they tend to disbelieve all health news--and reporters and editors scratch their heads and wonder why their credibility lingers just above used insurance salesmen.

"A low-fat diet can decrease the risk of breast cancer recurrence by more than 40% in patients with a form of the cancer that is not sensitive to levels of the hormone estrogen, researchers said Monday," was the lead in the LA Times Story.  At least the reporter knew enough to note that for women who were sensitive to estrogen (which was never explained) the reduction wasn't statistically significant.

As usual, The Washington Post buried the real news after about ten paragraphs of hype.  "After an average of five years, 96 women on the low-fat diet -- 9.8 percent -- had had a recurrence of cancer, compared with 181 -- 12.4 percent -- of those on a standard diet. That amounted to a 24 percent reduction in risk on the low-fat diet."  Then they went on to warn that the results were preliminary. 

What the reporter didn't note that any epidemiologist will tell you that a 24% reduction is probably no reduction at all.  Because epidemiology is such a weak science, you need a 100% change to have any confidence at all.  That's why they have to do so many studies to confirm initial findings.

Gina Kolata of The New York Times, one of the best health reporters in the country, at least put the cautions early in the story.  The study's principal investigator, Dr. Chlebowski, "and independent experts at the meeting and elsewhere said the study's findings, which were only marginally statistically significant, must be confirmed before recommending that women with breast cancer follow such a diet." 

And only The LA Times noted, "But a major epidemiological study from Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston published in 1999 found no firm link, even hinting that a low-fat diet might increase the risk of breast cancer."

If that's the case, what's this story doing on the front page of all three papers?  Don't editors know that people will read the headlines and take away what they want to hear?  Particularly for cancer patients, any straw is one to be grasped, no matter how slim.

Let's dangle false hopes in front of those already desperate and terrified.  Nice work, media moguls.

Sacrificing Americans in Iraq

The reason I know that quantum physics is going to someday prove that parallel universes exist is that the one we're currently living in is so distorted and downright inexplicable that there must be one where logic and common sense aren't in such short supply. 

Let's face it, boys and girls, Republicans and Democrats, Independents and Dependents, we're all Alice, and we've slipped through the Looking Glass into a world where up is down, left is right, and right is wrong. 

Last week the Marine command recalled the vests that were supposed to be protecting our soldiers in Iraq because, oops, they didn't work.  Later that week, the 1st Platoon of Lima Company, 3rd Battalion, 25th Regiment got into a firefight in northern Iraq against insurgents with armor piercing bullets that could go through concrete and walls and still be effective.  The bullets our troops had been issued could go through concrete, but then would be traveling at the speed of a moth.  Yesterday, one of the squads from that Platoon had their armored vehicle blown to bits--killing them all. 

And yet another example of this administration's extraordinary failure to support out troops in Iraq.

Where is the outrage?  The media's more interested in who slept in Michael Jackson's bed than the unbelievable reality that the bad guys in Iraq have better weapons than American troops.  Shouldn't some member of Congress hold hearings, consider impeaching Bush for gross mismanagement of the war, or get Rumsfeld sent off to some sausage factory where he belongs?

Why are veterans groups so quiet?  Why are the parents of these troops?  Why are we all? 

Bush lied to us about the reason for the war, he took us in unprepared for post-war reconstruction, his administration has sent Americans into battle without adequate protection, they lie about how many Iraqis have been trained to take over from U.S. troops.  And we argue about whether some tube should be pulled on a comatose woman.

If this world is normal, I gotta find me a way into an another universe where people are abnormal. 

Weapons of Mass Destruction, Redux

Front page story in The Washington Post today:  Syria didn't hide any Iraqi Arms.

Now, let's examine this carefully, as reasonable people do.  Here are two possible conclusions.

1)  Iraq.  No WMDs.  Ergo, invade Iraq.  Syria.  No WMDs.  Ergo, Bush's going to invade Syria.  Oy vey.  But wait...there's another option.

2)  Syria didn't hide any Iraqi arms BECAUSE THERE WEREN'T ANY TO HIDE YOU MORONS.  (Sorry for shouting.)  Sometimes reporters can't see the humor in their own stories.  Here's the first paragraph:  "U.S. investigators hunting for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq have found no evidence that such material was moved to Syria for safekeeping before the war..."  How can you write that with a straight face, I wonder.  I could never have been a reporter.

Dick Cheney: Humanitarian

Who said you can't teach an old dog new tricks.  After years of playing the role of Scrooge in every Christmas pageant since before there was a Christmas, Dick Cheney finally showed his true colors.  He's a decent guy.  In fact, for the VEEP, it's no more Mr. Meanie.  In today's Washington Post, he made it clear that he "opposes retribution against Schiavo judges."

He went up against Tom "It's my law & I'll break it if I want to" DeLay, who wanted some form of retribution.

Personally, I think it's kind of extreme to bump off judges just because you don't agree with them.  It's reassuring to know that Cheney agrees. 

It's a terrible word, "retribution."  So un-Christian, don't you think? 

Karen Hughes, John Bolton, Paul Wolfowitz: America's image in good hands.

Richard Cohen, of The Washington Post, has the ability to take a mess o' incidents, stir them carefully at a low heat, and emerge with a tasty stew.  Today, he asks a simple question--why trust Karen Hughes?  You remember Ms. Hughes--the Prez's alter ego, his confidante extraordinaire, his "I am nothing without you, baby?" 

Her new job is to fix America's image overseas, but Cohen rips through the administration's history of lies and deceit suggesting that perhaps Bush do something about America's image at home.  Silly liberal.  Reagan & Clinton were the Teflon presidents.  Bush is the Bubble president, secure in his impenetrable Bubble of Silence.  He can get away with anything.  Anything. 

Bush, Democracy, & The Nobel Peace Prize

Let's see, what are the qualities one would like to see in a Nobel Peace Prize winner?  Integrity, honor, honesty, life-long dedication to creating harmony around the world? 

So who does Joel Klein, in a CNN story, think is a top contender:  George Bush!!!   According to Klein, "If, and it's a big if, Arab democracy flowers, George Bush deserves it.

If I weren't such a blabbermouth, I'd be struck dumb.  Has Klein been klunked in the head?

First of all, Bush lied about the reasons for going to war, he turned the post-war effort into a Keystone Kops movie, they're lying about how many Iraqis they've trained to be in the security forces (counting those who've vanished after training), they're lying about how international the force is (Italy & Poland, bye bye), and, worst of all, the Bush Bubble Machine as done more to damage America's reputation abroad than all the fast food chains combined.

Second, what democracy?  Palestine, Lebanon, Egypt, Saudi Arabia?  If they go democratic, I'll eat this blog.

My candidate for the Nobel Peace Prize:  Saddam Hussein.  At least with him you knew where you stood.

Army Woes; Giuliana Sgrena: "J'Accuse; Not More Martha Stewart!

Here's a shocker.  Army recruiters are having trouble finding cannon fodder for the war against WMD in guess where...no, sorry, for the war of liberation...no, that's not it, for the war to spread democracy.  Oh, screw it. 

But all's not hopeless.  There are still those willing to serve.  Observe these happy warriors on their way to battle.  Will someone explain why this story is worthy of media attention?  Real news would be:  Army flooded with volunteers for Iraqi War.

(It's a small picture because the army's looking for teensy, tiny, little people who can sneak up on bad Iraqis and bite them on the ankle.  Either that or I can't figure out how to make it bigger without making it even blurrier...oh well.) 

And, in the There's No Way to Win department, Italian reporter Giuliana Sgrena, released after what was reported to be a rather handsome ransom, claims she was targeted by U.S. troops.  What in the world can one say?  "You tried to kill me." "No we didn't." "Yes you did." "No, honest, trust us."

Of course, one thing you don't say is the following quote from White House spokesman Scott McClellan:  "I think it's absurd to make any such suggestion that our men and women in uniform deliberately targeted innocent civilians. That's just absurd."   Uh, Scott, we know your president doesn't follow the news, but do you have a clue what's happening over there???

And finally, news not worthy of the front page, so follow along if you dare... 

Al-Qaida, Naughty Reporters, and They're Stealing Your Identify

Them foreigners are right about one thing.  American culture is very powerful.  Why simply through our exquisite cuisine, which is spreading like kudzu throughout the world, we're turning a nation of buffaloes into a world of buffaloes.  So you'd expect Arab radicals, in particular, to eschew all things American.

Except when it suits their fancy.  Our friends in Al-Qaida have just launched an internet magazine to recruit Muslims to join the jihad against foreign influences in Iraq. So much for the evils of the western world.  Now, let me see if I've got this right.  America=Satan.  Satan bad.  America (Al Gore really) develops internet.  Internet=Instrument of Satan.  Al-Qaida uses internet.  Al-Qaida uses instrument of Satan.  Allah's going to be soooooo pissed when he finds out.

More news to make you sad...read on.

Secret Bush Plan to Destroy Canada Revealed

I had just finished reading a Washington Post story on the growing "chill" between the U.S. & Canada when the phone rang.  It was "The Cat," my secret source inside the Bush Bubble Machine.

"So, see the news on Canada?" he asked.

"I just finished the story a second ago," I said, astonished.

"I know," he said, laughing that odd meow-like laugh of his.

"How...?"

"Never mind," he interrupted.  "You wouldn't understand.  What's so funny about that story is that those mindless reporters don't even know they've stumbled on to our next target."

"Canada?" I asked.  "Over some beef, lumber, and a few terrorists?"

"We're getting tired of that silly little country thumbing their bilingual noses at us at every turn," he said.  "It's time we showed them who wears the boots in this family."

"But what about Iraq, North Korea, Syria?"

"Small fry.  Plus, we duped the French, the Saudis, the Germans...hell, even the Russians into handling the mid-east for us."  He paused for effect.  "Canada's the real target."

The dastardly plot?  Read on.

The Values We Cherish...Beyond Security

I am so relieved.  Saint Ashcroft has returned to his Missouri Mission to kneel and pray until the Good Lord calls for him.  (What ol' Lord gonna do to him is another question & he ain't talking to me about.)  But our national security is not only in good hands, it's now being balanced by the new AGs commitment to "give law enforcement the tools they need to keep America safe while honoring our values." 

That's so sweet.  But wait!  What are our values?  A great country has to have great values, right?

Let's see:  We value human dignity.  That's why Congress is close to passing a industry-sponsored bankruptcy bill ("No Deadbeat Left Behind") that treats everyone equally--those who thiink of bankruptcy like "get out of jail free" cards and those silly enough to pile up medical bills so high even Bill Gates couldn't bail them out.  (And these are people with insurance.) 

We value freedom...except for those who may have known someone who read about a person who once saw a terrorist on TV.  Those people deserve to be held in some unrevealed location without benefit of legal counsel, constitutional rights, or toilet seats.  And torture?  Get real, you lilly-livered liberals.  A little pain builds character.

We value tolerance...except for gays who want to get married.  Yuck!  Like, how gross.  They might even kiss.

We value truth...unless it gets in the way of a good war.

We value civility...except in the Halls of Congress.

We value opportunity, which is demonstrated by the ethnic origins of our new  A.G. Alberto R. Gonzales--who must be a great American because he's Hispanic.

Gosh, I'm proud to be an American.  Aren't you?