Parodies Lost

The Futility of Hope

What a surprise.  We're heading nowhere faster than a speeding bullet.  We gnaw on decaying bones while fresh meat hangs in front of us, going bad.  They do not just hold differing opinions, they are handmaidens of the devil, dragging us either towards some Nazi, socialist, new world order...or deeper into the new American aristocracy where wealth and personal success are the sole measures of a person's worth.

Wanda Sykes skewers Rush "I Am The Walrus" Limbaugh and the conservative media orgasms in hysteria and outrage. (Someone should tell pundits and pols that the very word "outrage" has, through serious scientific research, been shown to have the opposite effect as the one intended.)  Their sexual thrill was only slightly less intense when the Prez stupidly asked for Dijon mustard at a hamburger joint.  Puleeze.  Who puts mustard on hamburgers?  The guy must really be a Muslim.

Dick "Duck" Cheney decides that ol' Rush is a better banner carrier for the Republican Party than Colin Powell. After all, Rush has accomplished so much more. And has a lot more money. And smokes expensive cigars.  And Cheney.  Lord, love a duck, he's morphing into Mephostopoles right before our eyes.  

Not to be outdone, the left is dancing around a May pole singing, "The Elephants Are the Party of No" to no particular tune at all, and the Democratic leadership in Congress's version of collegiality is to wave a piece of legislation in the face of Republicans minutes before asking for their support.

Barack "I Am He Who Has Come" Obama could charm the ears off Dumbo, but where's the backbone, the tough decisions, the determination to wrestle the financial octopus that still controls our fate into submission?  When does he throw down the gloves to someone...anyone...to demonstrate there's some there there?  May's Atlantic Monthly has an article, "The Quiet Coup," that'll chill your bones.  It's how the financial community has D.C. in a death grip.

On a happier note, if you've been doing your uppers regularly, the health care industry – at least those who profit from it most luxuriously, march to the White House and offer a proposal so modest that Jonathan Swift would have missed the satire. Maybe, under the right conditions, if the stars align and no one gets sick for the next ten years, we'll be able to save 1.5% a year in health care costs. Maybe. And the White House June Taylor Dancers put on a flower display in the pool that leaves one breathless. (For those of you under 50, you'll have to take my word on that one.)

No one's willing to sacrifice. No one's willing to give an inch. We're as polarized as the battery that powers the Energizer Bunny...and equally as obnoxious. The administration offers budget cuts that border on the minuscule, but every affected Democratic member is up in arms. "He gotta have that helicopter...why, without it, not only will he probably crash land in a foreign country, we'll lose 800 jobs."

Yes, if your district loses the helicopter, it'll cost jobs & maybe even cost votes. But what the hell are you in Washington for — to create an impenetrable shield that protects your seat for life or to serve the interests of your district AND the country?  (Sorry, a stupid question if ever asked.)  Ah screw it.  Agree to take the pain if it's spread fairly, but fair does not mean everyone but you — and you know who you are...assuming you read this, which is a helluva assumption.

In a recent New York Times Magazine interview, the president admitted that not every initiative is going to work, but that the administration cannot allow the perfect to be the enemy of the good. Exactly right, which is why people of good faith (if there are any) from across the political spectrums should be talking and wrestling with various approaches, reaching consensus, or even agreeing to disagree.

But there's little of that.

And now we learn that social security, Medicare, and Medicaid are going to reach Doomsday earlier than predicted.  What a surprise.  Does anyone think the American people will tolerate any bold initiatives to fix those programs?  How can the government act when we, the people, care only about ourselves and our families.  We're Americans, and we take care of our own...and fuck the rest of you.

Oh, we may stumble out of our domestic financial mess.  But how are we to recapture the value system that has been our moral compass?

The torture issue is the perfect symbol of our fall from grace.  Even Fox anchor Shepard Smith understands the problem.  On FoxNews.com's online show, Smith burst out, "We are America!" he shouted, slamming his hand on the table. "I don't give a rat's ass if it helps. We are AMERICA! We do not fucking torture!!"  The video is incredible.  Fox News...not MSNBC.

Once Humpty Dumpty has put the King's Horses together again, the journey will have just begun.  And I fear I see no support among the American people — which means no leadership in Washington — for the kind of sacrifices, the level of rational discussion and debate, and the willingness to leave ideology behind and embrace the notion that we are America...and our strength is in our ability to disagree with respect and understanding...and admit when we are wrong.

And that's the truth... 

In Jameson Veritas

Technorati Tags: American Values, Barack Obama, Colin Powell, Dick Cheney, ideology, Medicaid, Medicare, Rush Limbaugh, sacrifice, Social Security, Torture, Wanda Sykes
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Questions for President-Elect Obama

Estimates for attendance at the inauguration of our next governmental diety, Barack Obama, have been reevaluated since the alarming totals first suggested.  Based on better information from tour bus operators, police experts, the secret service, and famed medium, Madame Zalarama, experts are confident that Washington D.C. will receive no more than 230 to 240 million visitors. 

Inauguration planners have been scrambling to figure out where to house all these people, but, according to spokesperson, Jillie McMansion, "Burned-out homes in the worst sections of town are renting for $100,000 an hour; they're going like hot cakes.  People don't seem to mind sleeping fifteen to twenty to a room, the armed guards, or the drug dealers hanging around the front steps."  She added, "In fact, many are asking for places with a plethora of dealers.  I don't know why." 

Just about every celebrity in the world is planning to attend.  Knowledgeable sources inside the soon-to-be administration are even suggesting that the celebrity attendees will include Jesus, Moses, and Mohammed...if they can get rooms.  Jesus has said he'd be happy with a simple manger in a barn; Moses is looking for a large bush; I'm not going to risk saying what Mohammed wants--who needs a fatwa on one's head at my age.

The crush of visitors shouldn't be a surprise.  The latest CNN poll has Obama's approval rating at 82%, higher than the Pope, Putin, Einstein, or even Jameson Irish Whiskey*.  "Barack Obama is having a better honeymoon with the American public than any incoming president in the past three decades," said Keating Holland, CNN's polling director.  Oko Yono, channeling her late husband, said on Fox News that "Obama is bigger than God." 

Uloff Tills, executive director of the Lithuanian Center for American Research noted, "With levels of approval this high, there is virtually nothing Mr. Obama cannot do.  We expect the world economy to be restored to its former glory soon after he takes the oath of office.  Like five, maybe ten minutes after.  Maybe twenty if it's snowing."

If public adoration weren't enough, the soon-to-be Prez is continuing his goal of being the most-buff president since...well, since forever.  Even a Washington Post writer in a front page article on this most celebrated of Christian holidays, virtually drooled in a description of the Hero-To-Be:  "The sun glinted off chiseled pectorals sculpted during four weightlifting sessions each week, and a body toned by regular treadmill runs and basketball games." 

Excuse me???  Chiseled pectorals?  Sculpted?  Have we given up any hope of letting this poor schmuck just be a human being who happened to get elected president?

Apparently not.

In that case, I have a number of questions I'd like to submit to Mr. Obama that I believe are reasonable given his stature, status, and sainthood.  In the interest of making his task easier, the questions are multiple choice.

• When will you resolve the Israel-Palestinian issue? 
  1. February 1, 2009
  2. As soon as I can arrange for the Chinese to assume control over Jerusalem
  3. As soon as Hamas stops bombing Israel and visa versa, which should give me plenty of breathing room. 
  4. What's the next question?
• How soon will the housing crisis be solved?
  1. February 1, 2009...or 2010...or maybe 2011
  2. As soon as the Chinese lend us another 25 trillion dollars
  3. When John McCain agrees to buy 2,500 homes...every week...for a long time
  4. Excuse me, I've got a call on my cell phone
• What are the nation's health care issues most in need of attention?
  1. Curing male pattern baldness
  2. Lots o' fat little children who should be working out to get as buff as I
  3. The incredible abuse of cosmetic surgery by baby boomers who should just live with the fact that they're getting really, really old.  Deal with it.
• So why did you ask Senator Clinton to be Secretary of State...really?
  1. She has extraordinary experience dodging bullets in hostile environments
  2. She rejected the post of Ambassador to Lithuania
  3. No one else wanted the job.   Do you have any idea what's going on in the world today?
• If there is one wish you could have granted, which isn't outside the realm of possibility given that one god & two major prophets are going to be at your inauguration, what would it be?
  1. World peace
  2. Safe cigarettes
  3. A new IPhone...that my staff will let me use
  4. That Sarah Palin never, ever gives another interview
• Do you have second thoughts about being president given that there's virtually nothing in the world that's working?
  1. I have faith in the willingness of the American people to...to...just leave it at I have faith in the American people, o.k.?
  2. No, I passed through second thoughts months ago.  I'm up to 353rd thoughts, and that doesn't count Michelle's.
  3. Second thoughts?  Dude, have you seen my approval ratings?
• What kind of tree would you be, if you were a tree?
  1. A mighty oak
  2. A Ponderosa Pine
  3. A Weeping Willow
• So, Barack (may I call you Barack), what's the chance of my getting a cool appointment in your administration?
  1. We will consider all applications and make decisions based solely on qualifications
  2. How about Ambassador to Lithuania?
  3. Who the hell are you, anyway?
  4. No, you may not call me Barack.

Sheesh, talk about a testy president elect.  Anyway, I'm sure some close advisor to Obama will read this article and submit the questions to him.  And I'm confident we'll have answers soon, which I will faithfully reveal to all.

And in this time of reflection and desperation, I leave you with one truth that, despite all the turmoil and uncertainty in our world, remains unassailable:

In Jameson Veritas

* Given what has transpired, I suppose I should say that this is a paid commercial announcement.  At least as long as the stock holds out.

News and Commentary: Yesterday's News Today, Not Tomorrow

Since the same things happen day after day, it takes a reporter with a nose for the unusual to keep readers from falling, nose first, into the computers. It's a shocker, let me tell you that. But I digress. So, since nothing ever changes, I thought I'd snoop around and tell you what you wouldn't have read had you the chance.

• O.J. Simpson's would-be publisher, Judith Regan, was fired Friday according to AP, her sensational, scandalous tenure at Rupert Murdoch's News Corp. ending with the tersest of announcements. Gadfry Daniels, boys and girls, gimme a break. Now, as if the skies opened and the blazing Light of God's truth was shed upon, the human race is demonstrating decency. Sorry, Charlie, but another few babies just died in Darfur. Of course the book was stupid -- but look how many stupid heads supported it until a Benedictine monk, tippling a bit on B&B, threw up all over his copy, and the sinful publishers took it as a sign from God. Sheesh.

• It seems that America's finally getting tough with prisoners.  Authorities at the Guantánamo Bay detention facility have clamped down decisively in recent months. Don't you just love waking up on the wrong side of Alice's Looking Glass? Excuse me, but I'm about to yell. ARE THEY OUT OF THEIR FUCKING MINDS? GET TOUGH? (Thank you.)  "Okay, you banana heads, no more free camel rides, you're going to have to watch PBS 24 hours a day, you have to face west when you pray to Allah, and anyone actually saying Allah will have his mouth washed out with his roommate's urine.  Bacon and sausage for breakfast." Here we've got a group of people, most of whom are probably innocent of anything, being treated like slaves, and the U.S. Army (Be As Fucking Mean As You Can Be) decides it's gone too soft.

• The U.S. military is planning to move a brigade of troops into Kuwait in what could be the first step of a short-term surge of American forces into Iraq to stabilize the violence. That's 3500 troops, boys and girls. Let's see, we have, what, about 150,000 troops there now? Wowza, that's a 2.333333333% increase! That's going to show those Shiites and Shamans and Sharmas and who gives a damn, a real pause in the pooping, I'll tell you that. I'll bet our 150,000 young men and women re-enacting Vietnam for a new generation are just doing a hora around a Muslim they just burned at a stake. What a great country.

• This has to be a joke, but it's on ABC's website. But a young captain serving in Iraq's violent Al Anbar Province has offered a simple explanation of what the problem was in Iraq and how to solve it. Among his observations is the importance of having a moustache in Iraq. He had a lot of other cool ideas, but he was just killed. We're going to have to move on, your intrepid reporter's rhetoric machine is spewing vile bile all over the place.

• This falls under the category of news I'd never have suspected, as professional a journalist as I am. This afternoon, Army Col. David Sutherland, commander of forces in Iraq's Diyala province, said that the Iraqis don't trust us. Speaking on a video link from Baquba, Iraq, he said "Public perceptions of corruption, inequity and fear are the driving force behind support to terrorist organizations." Well, darn it but I didn't know we had those problems in Iraq, and I want to be the first to publicly congratulate former Col. Sutherland... oh wait, it was probably just a joke by Donald Sutherland, that cut up. 

• And, finally, in the category "Stop It, You're Killing Me," this company that's building fences to keep illegal immigrants from the promised dung fields got nailed yet again for - you guessed it - hiring illegal workers. They've agreed to pay nearly $5 million in fines. If there is a more stupid animal on the planet than Homo Sapien, please let me know. 

So, once again, we say a fond farewell. Happy trails to you, until we meet again, happy trails to you, keep drinking Jameson... Yes, boys and girls, it is the one bright star in the firmament, the Rock of Gibralter, the piece de resistance upon which all can depend:

In Jameson Veritas

Technorati Tags: O.J. Simpson, Iraq, illegal immigrants, more troops
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