Parodies Lost

Religious Humor: PG Rated

A friend sent these to me.  Good way to get a laugh on a Monday.

Jewish Olympic Swimmer

How to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast...

Hmmm.  Notice no Islamic humor.  Wonder why?  I'll have to check with my friend.

Technorati Tags: religion, humor
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It's Not the End, It's the Journey: A Tribute to My Dad.

Recently, Chantal Stone posted A Few Thoughts On Life And Death Thereafter, although I actually found it on her blog, The World Inside My Head.

It got me thinking about the most traumatic experience I've ever had with death, my father's. It took us over 30 years to develop the relationship we both wanted, but even two stubborn mules will finally pull in the same direction, and for the last 20 years of his life, I came to love, respect, and admire him. I also understood how much of what's good in me was his gift.

I'm a hard-core agnostic, but dad was a fanatic atheist. He was also brilliant, a self-educated man who had had to drop out of high school when his father died during the Depression. Reason was his God, and since there is no way to reason your way to faith, he denied it categorically.

He died in 1998 of emphysema. I will always be in awe of the fight he put up, confounding doctor after doctor, as the disease progressed. He refused to give in, even when he was on oxygen tanks. The tanks may have made him give up tennis, but they didn't stop him from playing golf 4 or 5 times a week. He never complained, never lost his sense of humor or his love of reading and music, nor his passion for a good debate.

He was the most stubborn human being ever to put foot on the planet.

But in the end, as always, the disease won. He lingered for nine very hard days in the hospital, and not only was I there the entire time, I was with him at the end. During those nine days, with the whole family there, we had a simple rule — you didn't cry in front of him. He knew he was dying, but he had no need to talk about it, and he didn't want people getting upset in front of him. We joked, discussed books, fought over his treatments, and talked about every issue under the sun...except his death.

He just wasn't concerned about God and what happens after death.

Finally, the doctors put in a morphine drip to control his ever-increasing pain, but we all knew and agreed that it would eventually end his life. It was the most painful decision I'd ever made. My brother and I were in the room when the doctor came in with the drip, and dad looked at Scott and asked him, "Do you agree with this?" Scott managed to say yes. And then he asked me the same question, and I was about as inarticulate as Scott in agreeing.

"All right then, I agree too," he said. The doctor assured us that he would be asleep within an hour or two — at most. My wife, Pam, and I took a break to get some lunch, and when we returned, someone ran up to me and said, "Dad's sitting up in bed eating lunch." I ran to his room, and sure enough, he was acting as if they were pumping sugar water into his veins.

When I found the doctor and told him that he wasn't asleep, he first thought I meant he wasn't dead, but when I said, "No, he's sitting up in bed eating lunch," the doctor told me that was impossible. He went into his room, confirmed that we hadn't been hallucinating, turned up the morphine drip, and, as we walked out, he looked at me and said, "You're father's an ox. We could put the entire hospital out with as much as he's getting."

However, even an ox has to give in to the inevitable. He went to sleep that afternoon and all medical procedures were stopped. At around 10 or 11 that night, just when I thought the morphine drip had let him slip into a deep sleep for good, he somehow woke up and called for me. His mouth and nose were filled with mucous to the point where he could barely breathe. I screamed for a nurse, who informed me that there was an order to discontinue all procedures — that is until she saw the look in my eyes and ran to get the equipment to clean out his mouth and nose. I also ordered her to turn up the morphine drip...a lot.

With enough morphine running through his veins to kill 20 normal men, he was alert and clear headed. I stayed with him while the nurse cleaned him up. Then he took my hand, looked at me, and said with complete clarity. "Mark, don't worry. I'm not afraid." He paused, smiled, and said, "I fought the good fight." I knew that, inside, he was proud as hell of himself. Then he slowly drifted back to sleep, and when he knew it was time to go, he died peacefully and willingly...on his terms.

I will never forget those words. Don't worry. I'm not afraid. I fought the good fight. Concern for me, comfortable with his own death, and proud of what he'd accomplished.

I suppose it's reasonable to ask if, at the end, he somehow found God which accounts for how peaceful he was. I wish I knew, but he never mentioned it. He was at peace, and that's all I care about.

I offer this story in tribute to a great man, but also because it reinforces what I've always believed — the end doesn't matter; it's only the journey that's important.

Thoreau once wrote, "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them." I think that's the saddest thought I've ever heard. Our task in life is to keep our song alive. My dad's song always rang loud and clear.

Emerson was a little less morbid:

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."

"The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be."

"Don't be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment."

"Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year."

Emerson was an optimist, but these aren't bad rules by which to live your life, and, if you succeed, then does your death really matter?

Technorati Tags: Death, Dying, Father, Death With Dignity, God, Religion, Fighting the Good Fight
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J'Accuse: The West & Arabs to the Palestinians: Drop Dead

In the 1890s, Alfred Dryfus, a Jew and a French officer, was wrongly convicted of espionage in yet another wave of French anti-Semitism.  It wasn't until Emile Zola published his famous editorial, "J'Accuse" (I accuse), condemning the French government for railroading Dryfus, that he was released.

So today, J'Accuse the west, the western media, and the Arab states of complete indifference to the chaos going on in the territories or using that mess for their own ends.  After two days of stories about violence in Gaza and the West Bank, using feeds from Yahoo.com, there was nothing in <i>The Washington Post</i>, <i>The New York Times</i>, or <i>USA Today</i>, and nothing listed in the top stories at the networks, Fox, MSNBC, Salon, Reuters, or even Diablog or memeorandum. 

Civil war may be breaking out in the territories, but it's not worth the media's time.  Had Israel been conducting raids in the territories, it'd have been front page news everywhere. 

The exceptions were <i>The Los Angeles Times</i> and CNN.  The <i>LA Times</i> focused on the fact that Hamas is in complete disarray, not only being snubbed by its so-called Arab allies but also being pressured by the Arab states to reach some accommodation with Israel.  Egypt supposedly is trying to broker talks between the two sides.

But where is the clear voice from the Arab world that the Palestinians have to clean up their mess?  Where is the kind of aid the Palestinians need to relieve the suffering of their people?  Where is a combined Arab effort to intervene in the chaos?  Where are the voices from Western nations offering to broker peace, to impose peace, to engage in something other than silence and occasional blame directed at Israelis?  What we're getting are words -- and empty words at that.

Meanwhile, gunmen still roam the West Bank and Gaza while Hamas and Fatah fiddle.

According to Palestinian analyst Talal Okal, "The question is really where they can go from here.  It looks like a dead end — but one that could drag down everyone else along with them."

Hamas is in complete disarray, with Prime Minister Ismail Haniyeh being endplayed by Hamas thugs and unable to form a working government. "Several Hamas ministers are said to have nearly come to blows with aides who refused to carry out their bidding, or did so half-heartedly."

CNN, citing an AP report,  had an extraordinary story this morning:  President Jahmoud Abbas said that he "has the authority to remove the newly elected Hamas government from power..."  Hamas' response: 

"We will go, but we will not recognize the Palestinian political regime. We will not participate in any new election and we will go underground as we did before and we will not adhere to any commitments, any truce, by anyone. Being ousted from power will have a heavy price for everyone. We hope not to reach that."

The great failure of the Israelis is the lack of a strategic plan to address the pan-Arab insanity, but it's tough to create a plan in the midst of such blatant hypocrisy on the part of Arabs and Western governments.

The Arabs want Israelis pushed into the Mediterranean.  Anyone who fails to understand that is either blind, naive, or just plain anti-Semitic.  The only true democracy in the Middle East, the only true ally of the U.S., Israel gets no real support from anyone.

For years, the world has been crying crocodile tears about the fate of the poor Palestinians.  Now, when, more than ever, the Palestinians need help, the silence is deafening.  I worry for the fate of Israel in the face of Western policy incompetence and lunatics such as the leadership of Iran.  I don't trust calls for peace among the Arab nations, because whenever Israel makes concessions, the Arabs just raise the bar.

But to allow the situation in the territories to deteriorate where Israel has no choice but to retake Gaza is the height of immorality and hypocrisy on the part of the West and Arabs.  On second thought, perhaps that's the game plan?  Let Israel take care of the mess - again - and then the world can comfortably go back to blaming the Jews.

There are no depths so low that people will not sink in their disregard for their fellow human beings.

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Abortion Foes Unite???

As if it wasn't bad enough that some lamebrain legislator reached a compromise over gay and lesbian state rights, now we learn that pro-choice and pro-life groups are...dare I say it...working together to find common ground.

Listen, people, enough is enough!  Had I written a parody about this, people would have told me to lay off the Jamesons (Irish Whiskey for those of you denied one of life's great pleasures)--that it was just too weird to even rank a parody.

Well, in the Washington Post yesterday, E.J. Dionne Jr., an op-ed columnist wrote an article Bridging the Divide on Abortion. 

But there is a new argument on abortion that may establish a more authentic middle ground. It would use government not to outlaw abortion altogether but to reduce its likelihood. And at least one politician, Thomas R. Suozzi, the county executive of New York's Nassau County, has shown that the position involves more than soothing rhetoric.

Last week Suozzi put money behind his words. He announced nearly $1 million in county government grants to groups ranging from Planned Parenthood to Catholic Charities for an array of programs -- adoption and housing, sex education, and abstinence promotion -- to reduce unwanted pregnancies and to help pregnant women who want to bring their children into the world. Suozzi calls his initiative "Common Sense for the Common Good" and, as Newsday reported, he was joined at his news conference by people at both ends of the abortion debate. (Emphasis added for the gag factor.)

While Suozzi was criticized by Kelli Conlin, exec. director of NARAL Pro Choice New York, even she had to admit that "the vast majority of it we are totally in agreement with" -- adding that "prevention is the key."

The national NARAL group ran an ad last year inviting--inviting mind you--the "right-to-lifers" to work with them to develop programs to prevent abortions.  They're working with Senator Harry Reid, an anti-abortion guy, to pass a bill promoting conception.

Alas, but the title of this blog, Parodies Lost, becomes more true every day.  Initially, I thought it was because the world was becoming so weird that just reporting the truth would cause people's eyeballs to bulge and even pop.  Now, there's evidence that reason may be raising its weed-like head, and we all know that once weeds get in your garden, you're hosed. 

Sigh.

In Jamesons Veritas

Moderate Christian Extremists?

Well, this is a fine "how do you do?"  Just when you thought it was safe to pin the tails on the extreme right and left, confident that never the two tails shall meet, some Colorado State Senator, Shawn Mitchell, decides to demonstrate decency, humanity, and a search for a middle ground.

It's enough to make a curmudgeon puke, I'll tell you right now.  Senator Mitchell recently introduced a bill that would "give same-sex couples in Colorado some of the same rights as heterosexual spouses."

Worse yet...oh ye rightist and leftist extremists, be prepared for the worst, the conservative Christian group, "Focus on the Family," which teaches that gays and lesbians are the worst form of pond scum--leading deviant and dangerous lifestyles--supported the bill.

"I think we should be looking for constructive solutions, instead of always looking for conflict," said Mitchell.  What kind of blithering idiot is this guy?  Why, if politicians start searching for constructive solutions, people like me will have to get real jobs dishing out supersized fries at McDs.

And the so-called Christian right-wing nut group?  "It corrects unfairness," said their high priest.

It's enough to make an extremist gag. 

Next they'll be telling us that women are smart enough to be mathematicians, that a Lithuanian could be president, or that peace is possible in the Middle East.

Foolish people.  It'll never fly.

In Jamesons Veritas

Political Sanity: Fact or Fiction?

I was going to write about the Bush Bubble Machine's latest magical mystery tour budget, and I still will.  First, as a curmudgeon-in-training, it's my moral obligation.  And second, we've never had a bigger liar in the white house since Nixon.  Now I'm not saying W is corrupt or evil, but he must have an embroidered sign over his bed with Mark Twain's quote:  "You can never go broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people."

But that's not what I want to write about.  In fact, I'm not going to write at all...except that I already am...oh well.  Poldark Maximus' site has an hysterical post on the upcoming presidential elections as well as one filled with deep wisdom and sagacity--since I agree with much of it.  Perhaps it's the continuing loss of memory cells that causes me to say the same thing over and over.  Or perhaps it's the continuing loss of memory cells that causes me to say the same thing over and over.  But I sense a certain annoyance with ideological extremism getting in the way of rational discourse.  Ol' Poldark is heading in the right direction.

The serious stuff: 

a) the country needs an extended period of political and emotional reconciliation, full stop; that b) hardliners to the left OR to the right simply need not apply and waste our time and c) no single party or candidate OWNS the war on terrorism, the protection of civil liberties, the hard answers to retirement and health care or immigration policy and d) if UBL continues to scare the shit out of you, FINE, because it took 30 years to fight the 30 Years War and that was over fine points of religion among Catholics, Lutherans and Calvinists who all worshiped the same God, more or less.

And a hint of the hysterical:

1. Is there anything better in life than a BLT? What is it?
2. You see an injured deer on the side of the road in its obvious death-throes. What do you do? A) Drive on down the road B) Call the State Police C) Draw your sidearm and shoot it in the heart D) Call your campaign manager and ask them what action would carry Ohio?
3. Do you pray at your desk, in bed, or in the shower? To whom?

Read it all here:  Poldark Maximus

In Jamesons Veritas

So What's a Liberal? Or a Conservative?

Life was easier when we liberals were called long-haired, pinko, tree-hugging, anti-American, pro-crime, scum-sucking bottom dwellers.  At least then we knew what our positions were supposed to be, although I, for one, have to confess that, even in my hippie days in the 60s, I don't remember hugging a tree--although there's lots from those days I don't remember...but I digress.

Life was also easier when conservatives were called bigoted, racist, money-grubbing, land-raping, exploiters of the masses, capitalist swine-swilling pigs. 

Liberals were slim and cool.  Conservative were fat and sweaty. 

Of course, conservatives thought liberals were emaciated and dirty and conservatives were respectful and well dressed...but what did they know?

I'll tell you, life is confusing.  For example, why do conservatives get so worked up over the ACLU, whose sole purpose is to conserve our basic civil liberties as outlined in the Constitution and Bill of Rights?  Conservatives should be pouring billions into their coffers to protect the American way, while liberals should hate the ACLU for not bending the rules to fit our preconceived notions of right and wrong.

And tell me it's not weird that liberals support science when most of us couldn't tell the difference between a quark and a quack, while conservatives hate science for being anti-Christian when science (not specific scientists) says nothing at all about creation or God?

Conservatives preach the sanctity of human life while sitting on their hands when innocent people are executed.  Liberals march around prisons to protest executions of known killers like the homeless around a soup kitchen while thinking nothing's wrong with abortion.

It is true that people can't seem to get through life with labeling things, but two labels that have lost all meaning these days liberal and conservative.  One reason, perhaps, is that the policies of both groups have proven to be disastrous.  Sure, conservatives venerate Ronald "Crazy Credit Card Carnivore" Reagan, but given the massive budget deficits created under his 8 years, it's hard to understand why.  Supply side economics?  Contract with America?  Remember those?  Great ideas...if you're not the victim of them.

At least we liberals are more honest.  The Great Society--a wonderful idea--was executed with all the skill of a water buffalo trying to play Chopin on the piano.  Carter, perhaps the best ex-president in memory, was, to be kind, not real effective while in office.  And if the Clintons are liberals, I'm a leprechaun. 

The problem is that there's nothing with which to replace liberal and conservative.  What the hell's a neocon?  And why aren't there neolibs? 

But the web is flooded with blogs and websites from conservatives and liberals bashing each other with wild abandon.  That's fine with me.  They're fun, and a lot of the people on both sides are intelligent, interesting, and open.  Of course, many are as open to new ideas as a clam glued shut with super glue--but they're fun too.

Maybe ideology isn't important.  Maybe we should just be discussing specific programs without having the distorted filter of seeing ourselves as the good guys and those who disagree as the bad guys.....nah....what a stupid idea.

Oh well, I'm beginning to think that democracy should be reserved for those who demonstrate at least one functional brain cell--which lets out about 99 & 44/100% of all people, probably me included.   

In Jamesons Veritas

"War Footing"

Regarding President Bush's handling of the war on terrorism and the invasion of Iraq, "Something is missing in the Bush administration's approach, and in manifests itself in a number of inadequate and sometimes even feckless steps that fail to produce a determined effort, a coherent strategy, or a rallied nation."  Written by a head-in-the-sand liberal?  Anti-Bush, anti-war activist?  Try R. James Woolsey, President Regan's CIA director, who notes, "Even among those of us who support...President Bush...there persists a pervasive disquiet. [Emphasis added.]

Thus begins the Foreword to one of the most disturbing--even terrifying--books on the state of the world today, War Footing, by Frank J. Gaffney, former assistant secretary for defense for international security policy under President Reagan and founder of the Center for Security Policy. 

Some books startle you from the beginning, shaking you out of complacency into a new understanding.  Others build slowly, often reminding you of what you've already read, but by putting the various links together in new ways, leave you shaken, distressed, and muttering, "I never thought about it that way before."  War Footing is in the latter category.  Whatever one's political philosophy--and there's enough in the book to offend everyone--I can't imagine anyone rejecting Gaffney's opening argument that this book is "your owner's manual for the War for the Free World."  Whether one accepts the entire thesis or not, this is a serious, must-read book for anyone concerned about what's going on in the world--we ignore it at our own peril.

No one escapes Gaffney's criticism:  the administration's strategic myopia and pathetic attempts at public diplomacy, the Defense Department's refusal to understand the nature of the enemy, the State Department's undermining of administration policy, corporations who knowingly do business with countries supporting terrorist activities, and the entire country for refusing to take concrete steps that could be implemented quickly and relatively painlessly to end our suicidal dependence on foreign oil.

Making a clear distinction between the majority of Muslims who pose no threat, Gaffney identifies what he calls "the new totalitarians," Islamofascists, and compares them and their goals with those of Hitler, Stalin, and other fascists determined to create a new world order--one in which Americans aren't welcome. 

War Footing is not a dense, policy wonk's dissertation, although there are times one wishes he'd written the thousand-page companion--it is, as he describes, a manual.  At 270 pages, he sets out ten specific steps that need to be taken immediately if we are to survive the coming decades.   

At the same time, he examines the world, region by region, exposing the growing Islamofascist threat.  It shouldn't be news to anyone that Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is a dictatorial thug who has done everything, including killing wannabe voters, to rig the current election.  And yet, in the Saturday, December 10th Washington Post, the failure of his efforts--and our billion-dollar a year support became clear with the following headline: "Banned Islamic Movement Now the Main Opposition in Egypt." 

If it were only Egypt, perhaps one could relax, but there is literally no world area that, in one way or another, is immune from the Islamofascists or in league with them to thwart American interests.  One might take exception to some of Gaffney's claims, but if he's only fifty percent right, America is woefully unprepared--both to confront the problems overseas and manage them at home.  In the same edition of the Post was a disquieting report that our crisis communications systems are no better than they were pre-9/11.  More billions wasted.

Gaffney--and the considerable group of experts with whom he collaborated--fall well into the conservative arena, and, as a hard-core liberal, I found myself at times frustrated with some of the rhetoric.  (I'm reassured by the fact that hard-core conservatives will be just as frustrated by his criticisms of the administration and big business.)   But there's no question that Russia and China continue to act against our interests around the world, that the Saudis continue to spread and fund the most virulent form of Islamic extremism, that Pakistan, Turkey, and Egypt are at risk of being taken over by the Islamofascists, that demographic, economic, and immigration problems in Europe threaten that continent's future viability...and that America isn't having the kind of open, honest dialogue necessary to fully understand and respond to the real world.   

Christmas, Christians, and the State

I had an interesting exchange on a blog by Semper Fi the other day.  He was upset because Christmas, the word, had disappeared from most holiday advertising.  He saw it as just another assault on Christianity by the left, and he wondered why some people were so afraid of Christianity.

My first response was that, as an agnostic, non-Christian, I'd think that was a good thing.  How many Christian kids today wake up Christmas morning to celebrate the birth of their Messiah?  How many even know that's what the day's all about?  Let's face it, it's not the left wing conspiracy (oh how I wish we had one!) that's ruining Christianity, it's the brazen commercialization of what should be a profoundly important day. 

I'm probably getting the sequence all wrong, but he brought up the issue of "freedom to" as opposed to "freedom from" suggesting that his "freedom to" worship was being compromised.  He's probably right, but that distinction between "to" and "from" is critical in understanding why.

In terms of the fear of Christianity, I noted that one of the most important elements in the Constitution and the Bill of Rights was the protection of minorities against "the tyranny of the majority."  Those Founding Fathers were very smart people.  Christianity is the dominant religion in the U.S., and there's a growing, powerful, well-funded, well organized segment of right-wing fundamentalists that want to impose their beliefs on the rest of us.

That's why there's "freedom from."  They don't have the right, as Americans, to do that--although none of them have probably ever read the Constitution or Bill of Rights.

When I was in 3rd or 4th grade, one of my best friends was a Jehovahs Witness, and his religion forbid him to say "The Pledge of Allegiance."  I don't remember why it was forbidden, but the teacher, outraged, sent him to the principal's office.  Even then, I thought that a stupid, wrong thing to do. 

He wasn't anti-American, he just had a set of beliefs different from the mainstreams--and that's what the Bill of Rights is there to protect. 

That's what I find odd about so many "conservatives."  You'd think they'd be the first to recognize and support the protection of minorities from the tyranny of the majority.  It's one of the most important and powerful concepts on which this country was founded--it's also one of the reasons for the freedoms we enjoy today.  That may mean losing some of their cherished "freedoms to" -- such as having Christmas decorations all over every street in the America--but that's a small price to pay to protect the more important "freedom from" tyranny.

Parody is Dead

So I haven't posted in a quite a while, sue me.  I've been waiting for something to ridicule, but it's almost impossible to make fun of a world where people seem to work full time making fun of themselves--albeit unintentionally.

Now the Catholic Church is going after anyone who even supports gay culture--straight people who aren't offended by gay people can't be priests.  Taken to the extreme, if you and your spouse (I'm assuming no one reading this would dare have sex out of marriage) do anything but, as Shakespeare said, "make the beast with two backs," i.e. have any kind of sex except for the purpose of procreation, you're sinners, evil in the eyes of the Lord--or at least the Pope's populace and an amazing number of weird Protestant & Jews. 

Mutual masturbation--oops...sorry, go directly to hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200.  Use birth control--sorry, not allowed even for non-Catholics.  Play some games that result in all his Mr. Wigglies wandering around outside the womb, wham, marked with the sign of Lucifer.

How can I turn that into parody?  They've already done it?

And it turns out that millions of dollars people donated in hurricane relief went to the good people of Jacksonville, MI -- whose major problem was that they lost electricity for a while.  Terrifying winds of up to 35 mph rampaged through that poor community.  Some people got a few thousand dollars for their problems.  You gotta love America.  We are sooooo generous.

According to James Fallows in this month's Atlantic (I will post on that shortly), the Bush administration, especially Rumsfeld, Rice, Cheney and his royal nibs--are bored with Iraq.  Bored!  I, alas, am speechless.

Dopey Democrats are can't even figure out how to criticize the administration.  Immediate pull out?  Omigosh--the invasion played right into Osama Bin Laden's hands because he knew Americans didn't have the balls to do it right, stick it out (sorry, sexual metaphor there--I'm now damned for eternity), and would do a cut and run.  Whatever idiocy caused us to invade in the first place, the problem is not and has not been left/right, liberal/conservative/, Republican/Democrat...it's been unbelievable, unfathomable incompetence. 

Medicare drug benefits?  How can you make fun of something so confusing, Ph.Ds can't figure it out?  And it shouldn't be a surprise.  When the stupid plan was announced, people said it was complicated to the point of absurdity.  Samuel Beckett couldn't have written a play more absurd than what the administration is putting seniors through.  Kafka's The Castle was some mild dislocation compared to the bureaucratic maze grannie and grandpa are negotiating.

Sigh.  I wish people would stop taking whatever pills are making them crazy so I could go back to making fun of them. 

To paraphrase Mark Twain, "Why shouldn't life be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense."

Homosexuality & Religion

You young whippersnappers reading this won't remember Frank Zappa & The Mothers of Invention, one of the great absurdist rock bands of the 60s, but there's a great line in one of the songs:  "I'm not black, but there's a whole lots of times I'm not proud to be white either."

Well, I'm not gay, but there's a whole lots of times I'm embarrassed to be associated with heteros.

There was this fellow in Houston who'd been attending a Methodist Church in South Hill, VA for several months.  He sang in the choir.  He was a well-known local businessman.  Then he made a really silly request of Rev. Edward Johnson, the church's pastor.  He asked to become a formal member of the church.

The good reverend said no.  Didn't want no queers in his church--at least as a member.  Go ahead and sing in the choir--everyone knows that gays got great voices.  But, shudder, if you become a member, maybe you'll start practicing your secret deviant homosexual rites and turn all our young people into...gasp...faggots and faggettes.

To be fair, the issue has split the entire Methodist church & the reverend yesterday was put on unpaid lead after giving his supervisors the finger for telling him to admit the unnamed gay fellow.  (Not literally the finger of course; he just said no, following in the footsteps of Nancy Reagan but forgetting that she was talking about drugs.)

Seems the Methodist Church is a little like the military.  You can join, but you can't be ordained.  That'd be terrible, even though "gay men and lesbians are 'persons of sacred worth'..."   Let's see, not worth as much as a hetero, which means we heteros are more than sacred.  Why, we must be Godly!

"Church member Gary W. Creamer told the Mecklenburg Sun newspaper that Johnson 'was holding to Biblical principle and that 'a terrible injustice' was done to the pastor."

Excuse me?  Injustice done to the pastor?  Let's bring Jesus down and ask him what he'd do....Seems he won't answer, but I'll tell you what he'd do.  He'd toss the Rev. Johnson out on his ass the way he tossed the money lenders out of the temple.  Well, at least I hope he would.

I haven't read the Bible in years--don't even own one.  But I sure hope the Bible doesn't preach against homosexuality.  If it does, I'll stop pretending to be a tolerant agnostic and call down the wrath of God on all religion.  (Hmm...can an agnostic do that?  Oh what the hell, I'll try.)

I looked up the Sermon on the Mount.  Jesus said, "Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, For theirs is the kingdom of heaven."  And "Judge not, that you be not judged."

I don't understand it.  I never will.  Wasn't Pastor Johnson persecuting the gay guy?  Wasn't he judging him?  Does that mean old Pastor J ain't gonna see the kingdom of heaven but will be judged himself?

What the hell are people so afraid of.  Science has virtually proved that homosexuality is no more a matter of choice than eye color or whether you go bald.  It's genetically determined.  It's not evil, it's not demonic possession, it's not a decision based on wanting to be a good dancer.   

"Hmm, lemme see.  I really want to look good at parties, and, frankly, most guys dance like psychotics getting electro-shock therapy.  Think I'll become a homo so I can really dance.  That'll get the chicks."

Homophobes of the World:  Repent.  I swear that if there's a God, you'll burn in hell for so long that eternity will seem like a couple of minutes.  You wreak of evil, you make a mockery of everything Jesus tried to teach.  (He was great whether or not he was the son of God.) 

And why do I keep capitalizing God if I'm an agnostic.  Oh yeah, respect for those who believe--even those who believe that only heterosexuals are deserving of a place in God's house.

What assholes these mortals be.

In Jamesons Veritas

Intelligent Life in the Universe?

'Tis a question that rocks the very sages back on their well-worn heels--is there intelligent life in the universe.  I used to think SETI (Search for Extra-terresteral Life) was an exercise in humanity's search into the unknown.  Now I know better. 

In a recent interview, Dr. Leopold E. Paster, astrophysicist at the Jerkes Astronomical Observatory,  revealed the truth about SETI.  Luckily, we were in a bar in New Orleans, we were down and out...wait, someone else wrote that.  Well, we were three sheets to the wind, whatever that means, which caused him to let down his guard and reveal the truth.

At the time, we were talking about the bar maid.  Although we could only dimly make her out through the smoke in the room and fog in our brains, we both agreed she was a real looker.  That set him off.

"Looker...looking...searching," he muttered.  "That just brings back memories I'm trying to crush."

"What's that?" I asked, searching for my drink.

"Looking...SETI...Is there intelligent life in the universe."

"Well," I asked, finding my drink on the floor and deciding it was easier to order another one than try to get the Jameson's Irish whiskey from the floor back into the glass, "is there?"

"Bah, who cares?" he said sadly.  "The real question is, is there intelligent life on earth?"

Truly, I was shocked.  How could he ask such a question?  So I asked him.

"How can you ask such a question?"

He gave me a withering look.  "Open your eyes, meatball.  Look at what's going on around you."

I looked around and saw a bunch of drunks and what I was sure was a very cute bar maid.

"Well," I said, "this is a small sample."

"Bah and more bah," he said.  "Do you realize that a majority of Americans don't think humans evolved from earlier species?  Almost half don't think plants and animals evolved.  Almost two-thirds think we were created directly by God.  There's a museum in Petersburk, Kentucky where they tell people that T-Rex lived in Eden."

"No wonder Adam and Eve bolted," I said.  "Hard to call it Eden when you've got some maurading dinosaur trying to turn you into a mid-morning snack."

"No," he said.  "They claim that this T-Rex was a vegetarian."

My jaw dropped.  He looked at me and shook his head. 

"Just look at you gaping like some moronic elected representative of the people, which brings up more evidence that there's no intelligent life on earth.  Do you know who the most respected world leader is?"

"George Bush?" I guessed.

"He proves my point once again," Dr. Paster said to himself.  "No, according to a Gallop Poll, it's Vladimir Putin.  When I heard that, I almost choked, but then I started thinking.  It's a set-up poll.  It's like asking which turd floating in a pond is the least offensive.  Face it, can you think of one president in your lifetime that you're proud of?  Or one politician today you'd enthusiastically support for president?"

"Edward Kennedy?" I was getting desperate and confused.

"Dolt," he muttered.  "We go to war for the wrong reasons, we don't know what to do when we've won the war, there's an earthquake that kills tens of thousands in Kashmir and the Muslims and Hindus are still killing each other there, middle class Muslims are becoming born again suicidal maniacs, the Chinese are working mightily to win the prize for the greatest pollutor in the history of humanity...ah, who cares?"

"I care," I said meekly.

"Sure you do.  Do you care that we've created a world where millions of children a year die of malaria when the proper use of DDT would save them--but, no, DDT bad, hurts little birdie eggs, let the babies die.  Do you care that millions of American children go to bed hungry every night?  Do you care that...ah, forget it."

Well, Dr. Paster went on for a long time, but that's all I can remember...except for the startling revelation that scientists were looking for intelligent life in in the universe in the faint hope they could get them to come here and straighten things out.

(By the way, Leopold E. Paster is not his real name...but if you're smart, you can figure it out.)

'urp.

This Be a Christian Congress, a Christian America

God's so lucky to have someone like Rep. John N. Hostettler (R-Ind.) protecting Her interests in America.  Why just yesterday, according to The Washington Post, Hostettler took the floor of the House and accused Democrats of "denigrating and demonizing Christians."

Oh my gosh.  Those devil worshiping Democrats are at it again.  God's gift to America didn't stop there.

"'The long war on Christianity in America continues today on the floor of the House of Representatives' and 'continues unabated with the aid and comfort to those who would eradicate any vestige of our christian heritage being supplied by the usual suspects, the Democrats'."

Holy Righteousness, I had no idea.  I feel so foolish.  And I've voted and given money to these Godless, anti Christian Democrats. 

I do have one simple question:  How in the world do morons like Hostettler ever get elected???  This was the same Christian who last year got arrested for trying to take a loaded Glock 9mm semiautomatic onto an airplane.  Oops, he said, he forgot he'd put it in his briefcase.

FORGOT?  That's the scariest part of all.  Walk around with a gun that'll blow the head off King Kong and forget you've got it.  Way too casual an attitude about guns, regardless of ones position on gun control. 

On the other hand, Jesus always went armed.  With honesty, dignity, truth, honor, patience, forgiveness, understanding...and a whole lot of other qualities the good congressman from Indiana would never understand.

But he's just a symptom--really a pawn--in a Congress that's gotten so vindictive that good people are fleeing like Christians running from the lions in the Roman Colosseum. 

Compare him to John Rhodes, former Republican minority leader, profiled wonderfully by J. Brian Smith in John Rhodes, Man of the House.  I've heard so many people from both sides of the aisle long for the days when decency, civility, and a profound love for the institution of Congress ruled. 

The hell with killing all the lawyers, let's get rid of the morons who are ruining our government--in both parties, in both the House & the Senate & in the White House.

Darwin's Legacy

God called me last night. 

There's no easier way to put it, especially for you atheistic, devil-worshiping, socialist America haters out there. 

God did call me.  And boy, was He pissed.

"What's so tough to understand about 'intelligent design'," he fumed.  "What, do those Darwinidiots think I'm not intelligent?"

"No, sir," I said quickly.  It's not a good thing to piss off the Lord even if you do have to wonder about things like famine, Ebola, mosquitoes, and Cheeze Whiz.

"Then what is it?" he demanded, which was a little surprising since he's supposed to be the omniscient one, and I'm just a lowly human he's chosen to harass.

"Well," I started, "it's that those Darwin folks think that "intelligent design" is just a front for the Creationists to sneak religion back into the classroom."

Long pause.  When God thinks, it can take a long time.  He's also omnipresent, so he's got a lot of ground to cover.

"Creationism," he snorted.  "You mean those people who belief that drivel Bishop Ussher pushed that I created the world 4000 years ago?"

"Sort of, sir," I said.

"Gadfry Daniels," he shouted, which is the closet you'll get to hearing God swear.  He's got to be pretty careful about what he says.  For example, if he says, "damn them," then woe to those to whom he was referring.  Like it's a lifetime in hell with no chance of parole.

"I thought 'intelligent design' just integrated My work into Darwinian theory," He said.

"No, that's not exactly what they mean, sir.  They claim that evolution is just a theory."

"Just a theory," He thundered, shattering most of the windows in my house.  I didn't mind, because He's real good about fixing things He's broken when He gets angry.  Sometimes, He even apologizes.  And when He forgets, there's always the Archangels to come along and mop up after Him.

"Don't those Creationist dimwits realize what 'theory' means in science?" He continued.  "In scientific terms, a 'theory' is a unifying concept that's been tested and reaffirmed.  It's not a guess or a hypothesis."

"Well, sir," I offered, "maybe the Creationists don't know that."

"Well go and tell them," He ordered.

"Yes sir, but, you see, I'm not sure they'll listen to me."

He fretted and fumed and made angry God-like noises, which, when you think about it, are the only kind of noises he could make, although, as God, he probably could make any kind of noise he wanted.

"Well, tell them I told you they're bonkers," he said.

"They'll just call me a lackey of the left-wing anti-religion conspiracy and won't believe me," I said.

He sighed, and, I have to tell you, when God sighs, it could just break your heart.

"All this effort to create an intelligent species, and this is what emerges?" He said with great sadness.  I was crying openly.  It's tough to cope with a sad Lord of the Universe.  "People who'll treat a book like gospel that's been translated so many times into so many versions, the only truths left there are the simple ones.  Like the 20 commandments."

"Um...sir, I think you mean the 10 commandments."

"What?  Oh, right, Moses dropped that second tablet on the way down the mountain.  My fault.  The things were just too heavy.  Anyway, those 10 are enough.  And Jesus' sermon on the mount.  He never talked about Creationism.  He didn't care.  It wasn't important.  What's wrong with these people."

Well, I could go on, because the Lord certainly went on long enough.  But a word to the wise to those folks trying to sneak Creationism into the schoolroom--God ain't on your side.  He thinks you're all idiots. 

Now don't blame me.  I'm just the messenger.

God Exists! Original Remains of Adam Discovered

Archeologists around the globe are all aflutter about the recent discovery of a fully-preserved body said to be that Adam--the first man, the Lord God's finest creation.  (Although a group of female archeologists known as "Freedom For Eve" have taken exception to the use of the world "finest."  They suggest "first" creation and suggest that with Eve, God corrected numerous design flaws in his first attempt at a human.)

On April 2 of this year, a Kurdish peasant in Northern Iraq fell through a soft spot in the earth into what was later discovered to be a sealed tomb containing the fully preserved remains of a man.  Carbon dating has ascertained that he died sometime around 4004 B.C.

The peasant said he wanted to rob the grave, but that a blinding white light came through the hole in the earth, and he heard a deep voice calling out to  him.

"Schmuck, you're going to revile the tomb of the first man I placed upon the earth?"

"My name's Achmed, not Schmuck," the peasant replied.

"Oy, such a mess in such a short period of time," replied the voice.  "Get thee to thy betters and bring them here.  There will be...what is it you people worship these days?"

"Allah."

"What, you want a piece of Allah, you putz?  No, what earthly things do you desire?"

"An Oreo cookie?" asked the peasant, now thoroughly confused.

"I offer you the world and you want some hydrogenated bundle of fused chemicals?"

The peasant thought.

"No," he said, "I changed my mind. I want gold."   He wasn't sure if that was the right answer, as he gingerly looked up.

"Gold," muttered the voice.  "Vell, it's better than Oreos.  So go get thy betters and I will fill thy meagre hut with mountains of gold."

It took the peasant a while to convince anyone to accompany him, since he'd already claimed to find the Virgin Mary, Mohammed's lost molar, and the Shah's testicles.  But finally a little old Arab scholar walked up the steep hill and climbed down into the hole.

There he found the perfectly preserved man.  Long, brown hair, just touching his shoulders.  Clean fingernails.  Trim waist.  A real looker, if you know what I mean.  But what convinced him that he'd found the ellusive Adam were two items.  First, on the right wrist was a silver bracelet with the word "Adam" inscribed.  That eliminated a lot of other possible names.

But the most important discovery was that, on his left wrist, was a watch that read "Sunday, 11:59 p.m. October 23, 4004 B.C."  When he examined the watch, he realized there was no battery.  Apparently, God gave Adam the watch but forgot to put in a battery.

"Bishop Ussher was right," proclaimed the Arab scholar.  "Clarence Darrow was a dickhead.  Oh glory to Allah the most masterful."

Wait a minute, you might ask.  Why Allah?  Why not Ya--eh or however the Jews write their God's name?  Why not Je-us?  A simple reason.  When he examined the body of Adam, he pulled a dried piece of apple from between his teeth, and, most important, he also discovered that Adam had never been circumcised.

So the mystery's solved.  The Arab's win...except for the stupid peasant who ran home, stood in his house and said, "o.k., I'm ready for the gold."

So God dumped a couple of tons of gold on the house. 

When he saw what he'd done, he sighed.  "Oy vey."

Iranians, Assimilation, Americans, & Islam

For over ten years, my bride & I have known this large Irani-American group in Maryland--actually, they tend to call themselves Persians.  Last Saturday night, we were invited to the wedding of Roy & Katie, both Irani-Americans.  As I listened to the ceremony and looked around at all the people I'd known for so long, I realized that for years, I had been seeing what cultural assimilation should mean for all immigrants to America. 

I also realized how little I knew about Islam, and Shia (or Shiite) Islam in particular.  The marriage administrator (I never could find out if he was a religious leader or Imam) acknowledged that there were many in the audience who didn't know Farsi, so he would explain the significance of the ceremony in Farsi and English. 

And then he said, "Although you don't know Farsi, think of love.  There is a voice in the universe.  If you listen very carefully you will hear that voice, and it is the voice of love."  Muslims, Christians, and Jews are three people separated by a common God with the same message.  We just don't ever seem to listen to each other.

It was a wonderfully informal ceremony yet filled with rituals essential to a Shia Islamic wedding.  Katie's aunt Mahnaz had spent weeks putting together an incredible display of incense, sweets, bread, honey, flowers, the Quran, a prayer rug, candles, a mirror, and eggs, all representative of blessings, holiness, good wishes, purity, joy, love, and a host of other values we too infrequently associate with Islam.  When Katie said "yes" to the question of whether she would take Roy, (after twice ignoring the question while her relatives yelled out things like, "she's not here, she went to gather flowers" or "she went to gather rosewater") the marriage administrator said, "this is the yes of the rest of her life."

If this ceremony and the party afterwards represents the Persian culture and the Shia way of Islam, then we Americans have so much to learn about and from them.  The music was almost all Persian, the dress all American.  The dancing was a mix of Persian and American steps.  Most of the women were graceful and elegant, using their hips, arms, hands, and shoulders to express the music.  Most of the men were like the rest of American men.  Two left feet sunk into ten pounds of cement.  But lively cemented feet nonetheless.

It would have been so easy for them to have unintentionally excluded any non-Iranis, but it was just the opposite.  People went out of their way to make sure everyone was included.  The openness and friendship wasn't forced, it wasn't "wedding behavior," it's simply who they are.  There were many toasts--far too many, but what's a wedding without endless toasts--but I've never seen such an outpouring of emotion and affection from women and men, so many expressions of love.

Had this just been a wedding, I wouldn't be writing about it regardless of how much fun we had, but it was more than that.  Being somewhat slow on the uptake, it brought into focus a solution to what has seemed a growing problem in America--the assimilation of new cultures.

When my father's family came to the U.S. in the late 19th century and my mother's in the 1930s, they were determined to become "Americans."  No other language than English.  Some of the cultural and culinary aspects of their lives in Europe were kept, but most were lost as they desperately tried to "fit in."  Not long before my maternal grandmother died, I tried to get her to talk about Hungary, the old country, but she refused, saying her country was dead.

On the other extreme are the Asians, Hispanics, and others who come to the U.S., form tight enclaves where everything is written and children are taught in their native tongue, consigning them all to second class American citizenship.  (I know there are exceptions.  I've heard of Mexican communities in Texas where they all refuse to speak anything but English--same dumb mistakes my people made.)

But the Persians have the best of both worlds.  They've managed to hold deeply to their cultural heritage while easing almost seamlessly into American life.  They both give and take in equal amounts. 

Finally, I don't know what life was life in pre-revolutionary Iran, but these folks know how to party, and the women are free spirits lifted up by the occasion, charming, funny, and beautiful.

If other ethic groups could emulate the Persians, I can only dream what an extraordinary society would emerge in America.