Parodies Lost

Daily Life-Coming to An End?

What to write about today? 

Bush is boring, Chaney is chilling, Rumsfeld is really scary. 

Reid is repelling, Kennedy is cantankerous, Feinstein is fatiguing. 

Remember the old Country Joe & the Fish song?

Well it's one, two, three, what're we fightin' for?

Don't ask me, I don't give a damn, Next stop is Vietnam.

And it's five, six, seven, open up the pearly gates,

Ain't no time to wonder why, Whoopee, we're all going to die.

Nah, you probably don't remember--most of you are too young and don't pay close enough attention to the brilliance of your elder's music.  Anyway, just substitute Iraq for Vietnam & you get the idea.

I wish those on the lunatic right recognized that we on the lunatic left were just as worried about the loss of values in American life.  Maybe we could sit down and actually talk about something rather than just rant and rave.  Sure, maybe I'm growing younger, not older.

And maybe it's just a mood thing, but there are times--like now--when I think the entire human race is an evolutionary mistake.  Or an Intelligent Designer mistake.  Doesn't really matter.  Anybody know that there's a drought in Malawi that's killing babies left and right?  Anybody care?   Anybody know where Malawi is? 

Can someone explain to me the value system that would lead Congress to cut food stamp benefits when hunger in America is growing?  What kind of ethical framework allows corporate bigwigs to eliminate pensions for people in their 50s?  How can some Muslims think their God would approve of suicide bombings that kill innocent women and children?  How can the Chinese leadership approve of policies that are making U.S. pollution look like a clear lake on a summer's day?

After decades of refusing to assimilate immigrants from the Arab world, Europe is shocked, shocked to find even nice middle-class Arabs becoming radicalized.  Go figure.

I could go on...hell, you could go on, and if you can't, shame on you.

So...that's the brooding for today.  I'm going to search out the lyrics for "Suicide is Painless."  (Theme song from the M.A.S.H. movie--there were lyrics, you know.)

Thank you, God bless, and good luck, Mr. & Mrs. World.

It is a Good Day to Die

Warning!  Do not, I repeat, do not read the first section of The Washington Post today if you have a weak stomach.  Fool that I am, the front page wasn't enough, so I kept going.  By the time I finished the columns, I felt like Chief Dan George in Little Big Man, whose tag line was "It is a good day to die." 

What a mess we've created for ourselves.  (Well, I'm not responsible.  I'm an innocent.  Plus I blog which means I'm going my part to befoul the netwaves with blather and useless opinion.)

We start with the ever more weird VP Dick Cheney deciding that American values don't apply to the CIA.  Seems the Bush Bubble Machine wants to except the CIA from a legislative measure endorsed by 90 Senators (so some Republicans must have agreed) that would bar inhumane treatment to prisoners accused to terrorist activity.  Of course, it'll require "a presidential finding that 'such operations are vital to the protection of the United States or its citizens from terrorist attack.'  But the precise applicability of this section is not clear..."  Yeah, like Bush says, "I find that beating the shit out of these guys is vital to protection of the United States."

I understand the emotional response of wanting to beat up people who want to kill you.  After all, from an evolutionary sense, we're only about an hour from some caveman who crawled out, picked up a stick and thought, "Ughuh, mngushush rushushmum." (Translation, "Hey, I bet I can bean someone with this stick.)

But that's why we have a Constitution, Bill of Rights, and are a nation of laws--specifically to prevent us from letting our primitive rage overcome what we intellectually know is wrong.

Moving on, conservatives are working themselves into a whirling dervish frenzy over Supreme Court nominee, Meirs.  It'd be laughable if it was so pitiful.  No discussion about her total lack of qualifications--she ain't conservative enough. 

Daddy's Little Girl:  An 8 year old bagged the first bear of Maryland's hunting season.  Gosh it's great to be an American where even little girls can learn the manly art of killing.  She had to miss a day of school, but, hey, where can you learn life's real lessons except with a gun in your hand.  Hell with school.

And regarding the Mesopotamia (thanks to John Stewart's "The Daily Show"), the new continues to make one proud to be an American.  Bomb kills 16 more in hotel.  "The attack was one of the most complex and coordinated that insurgents have launched in Baghdad. Using rockets, small-arms fire and three suicide bombs, they killed at least 16 people and wounded 22, according to government officials, police and witnesses."  Sigh.  But at least we're winning the "body count" war.  Shudder.  Now if we could only find places for the thousands made homeless by our war to bring democracy to Iraq. 

And for those who think I'm just another pointy-headed liberal, today's column by Richard Cohen offers a depressing realization that the Democrats have seem to have lost any moral compass when it comes to our international affairs, ceding the territory to the Republicans, who, for all their faults, at least believe they're spreading Democracy.  They may only be spreading terrorism, but at least they have some moral compass.  They stole it from the Democrats & the Dems never even noticed.

Oh there's more...the Israel/Palestinian peace process breaking down, conservatives attacking Bush, coral dying in the Caribbean because of higher temperatures...oh well.  At least it's raining outside.  I can take some consolation from that.

Intelligent Life in the Universe?

'Tis a question that rocks the very sages back on their well-worn heels--is there intelligent life in the universe.  I used to think SETI (Search for Extra-terresteral Life) was an exercise in humanity's search into the unknown.  Now I know better. 

In a recent interview, Dr. Leopold E. Paster, astrophysicist at the Jerkes Astronomical Observatory,  revealed the truth about SETI.  Luckily, we were in a bar in New Orleans, we were down and out...wait, someone else wrote that.  Well, we were three sheets to the wind, whatever that means, which caused him to let down his guard and reveal the truth.

At the time, we were talking about the bar maid.  Although we could only dimly make her out through the smoke in the room and fog in our brains, we both agreed she was a real looker.  That set him off.

"Looker...looking...searching," he muttered.  "That just brings back memories I'm trying to crush."

"What's that?" I asked, searching for my drink.

"Looking...SETI...Is there intelligent life in the universe."

"Well," I asked, finding my drink on the floor and deciding it was easier to order another one than try to get the Jameson's Irish whiskey from the floor back into the glass, "is there?"

"Bah, who cares?" he said sadly.  "The real question is, is there intelligent life on earth?"

Truly, I was shocked.  How could he ask such a question?  So I asked him.

"How can you ask such a question?"

He gave me a withering look.  "Open your eyes, meatball.  Look at what's going on around you."

I looked around and saw a bunch of drunks and what I was sure was a very cute bar maid.

"Well," I said, "this is a small sample."

"Bah and more bah," he said.  "Do you realize that a majority of Americans don't think humans evolved from earlier species?  Almost half don't think plants and animals evolved.  Almost two-thirds think we were created directly by God.  There's a museum in Petersburk, Kentucky where they tell people that T-Rex lived in Eden."

"No wonder Adam and Eve bolted," I said.  "Hard to call it Eden when you've got some maurading dinosaur trying to turn you into a mid-morning snack."

"No," he said.  "They claim that this T-Rex was a vegetarian."

My jaw dropped.  He looked at me and shook his head. 

"Just look at you gaping like some moronic elected representative of the people, which brings up more evidence that there's no intelligent life on earth.  Do you know who the most respected world leader is?"

"George Bush?" I guessed.

"He proves my point once again," Dr. Paster said to himself.  "No, according to a Gallop Poll, it's Vladimir Putin.  When I heard that, I almost choked, but then I started thinking.  It's a set-up poll.  It's like asking which turd floating in a pond is the least offensive.  Face it, can you think of one president in your lifetime that you're proud of?  Or one politician today you'd enthusiastically support for president?"

"Edward Kennedy?" I was getting desperate and confused.

"Dolt," he muttered.  "We go to war for the wrong reasons, we don't know what to do when we've won the war, there's an earthquake that kills tens of thousands in Kashmir and the Muslims and Hindus are still killing each other there, middle class Muslims are becoming born again suicidal maniacs, the Chinese are working mightily to win the prize for the greatest pollutor in the history of humanity...ah, who cares?"

"I care," I said meekly.

"Sure you do.  Do you care that we've created a world where millions of children a year die of malaria when the proper use of DDT would save them--but, no, DDT bad, hurts little birdie eggs, let the babies die.  Do you care that millions of American children go to bed hungry every night?  Do you care that...ah, forget it."

Well, Dr. Paster went on for a long time, but that's all I can remember...except for the startling revelation that scientists were looking for intelligent life in in the universe in the faint hope they could get them to come here and straighten things out.

(By the way, Leopold E. Paster is not his real name...but if you're smart, you can figure it out.)

'urp.

Iraqi Elections: The Truth Revealed

It's happening even as I write this on Monday, October 17th, a day that will forever live in infamy.  If we think Pearl Harbor was bad, just wait.  I have it from sources close to the Oval Office that this election in Iraq has nothing to do with approving a flawed constitution that's going to have to be revisited in about an hour.  These sources are so good that if I even told myself who they, some prosecutor would haul me in front of a grand jury.

It has nothing to do with finding a just distribution of power.

It has nothing to do with weapons of mass destruction....wait, how'd that get in here?

It has nothing to do with peace in the middle east.

But...and sit down while you read this--it's for your own protection...the reason we invaded Iraq?  The conspiracists were right, they just weren't bizarre enough in their delusions.

It was all about oil, but not in the way you think.  Why invade a country you can't manage after the war?  The Bush Bubble Machine knew full well they could win the war but could never win the peace.

Why create a constitutional process that would send Thomas Jefferson running off into the wilderness?  You can't take action against something you don't understand & that makes no sense.

Why allow the Iraqis to put all that Islamic religious stuff in the constitution?  Doesn't matter if that's not what the votes about.

Ladies and Gentlemen of America.  Since the vote is going to be "yes," get ready to welcome the 51st state in the United States of America--Iraq.  It's brilliant.  It's so simple.  We don't have to buy their oil any more--it'll be ours.   The terrorists will be totally confused.  The Great Satan will not only be in their midst, we'll have military bases all over the 51st state, the FBI will establish large bureaus, and, in no time, the terrorists will pick on someone else...like Urkmanistarian.

I for one would tip my hat to the administration...if I had a hat.

Robin Hood on Acid

The Washington Post today (Sunday, 10/9) continued its coverage of the efforts to curtail spending to control the budget deficit, pour more money into Iraq, pour money into the pockets of companies getting rich off hurricane relief, and maintain the tax breaks for the rich which have done such an extraordiary job at trickling down to the needy.  (You'll have to take my word for the coverage--the Post's web site is on the blink.  Check out page 2, "House GOP Vows Broad Cuts in Spending" by Jonathan Weisman.)

They claim the cuts are to pay for hurricane relief, but I was confused, so I called my good friend, Butch, who once studied economics.  That is, back in the 60s, he took an economics course by mistake and attended once--then disappared--but that puts him one class ahead of me.

Me:  Heya, Butch, what's happening?

Butch:  Just made a fortune in fake photos of Tom Cruises' teeth.

Me:  Huh?

Butch:  Sold 'em on some auction site.  Fifty bucks a pop.  Sold over 15,000 in 4 hours.

Well, that establishes Butch's credentials as an economic wizard as far as I'm concerned.

Me:  So, Butch, I've got a question about these spending cuts Congress is considering to help pay for the hurricanes and Iraq and the rich.

Butch:  You've come to the right place.  It's all straight forward.

Me:  They're going to cut tens of billions of dollars from programs for the poor, including Medicaid, food stamps, and student loans.  But that'll include all the victims of the hurricanes--who'll need food stamps and other aid.

Butch:  Oh, they'll get it through other programs.  Haliburton has just established a disbursement company to ensure that only the needy get hurricane relief money.

Me:  They're going to take money from the poor who weren't in the hurricanes and give it to people--rich and poor--who were?

Butch:  Stroke of genius, don't you think?  That way, you maintain the average standard of living.  Think about it, if all you do is spread around the money you're already giving away to the poor, poverty levels stay the same.

Me:  But government established poverty levels are absurd.  If a family of 3 makes $16,000 a year, they're not counted as living in poverty.  You know how much that family probably pays in health care?

Butch:  They don't pay anything.

Me?  Why?

Butch:  Don't be a chump.  They can't afford it.  Let's make it easy.  They bring in $1333 a month.  Let's say they get an apartment for $600 a month. 

Me:  Where can you find an apartment for that?

Butch:  Harlem, the south side of Chicao, East St. Louis, Roxbury in Boston, plenty of places in the deep south--except of course those areas the hurricanes wiped out.  And stop interrupting.  So now they've got $833 left.  Figure $100 a week on food, and they're down to $400.  And that's not counting utilities, gas, clothes, vacations...

Me:  Vacations?  How the hell could they take vacations.

Butch:  That's the point, they can't.  And you sure as hell can't get health insurance for 3 people for $400 a month, so stop worrying about it.

Me:  The government's robbing the poor to give money to the poor?

Butch:  Well, a more scientific way to look at it is that the government is engaged in a redistribution of available resources among a target population to cause the least disruption to society.

Me:  Don't  you realize that the disparity between the rich and poor in the U.S. is greater than at any time in history.   According to Edward N. Wolff, a wealth expert and an economics professor at New York University, "[T]he wealthiest 1% in the U.S. control more than a third of the nation's wealth -- the starkest such concentration among industrialized countries....While the ultra-wealthy are prospering, average real wages in the U.S. haven't kept pace. Real estate, which makes up a far bigger share of wealth for middle-class households, could take a hit with rising interest rates. President Bush's tax-cut programs disproportionately benefit those at the top of the wealth pyramid." 

Butch:  You believe everything you read?  Those are just statistics.  We're talking real people who need real help here.

Me:  So it doesn't seem bizarre to you to take from the poor to help other poor people?

Butch:  Nah.  What'd be bizarre is if Congress took from the rich and gave to the poor.  Now that would be noteworthy.

Me:  Never happen.

Butch:  You're not kidding.  Well, hope that's helped.  Gotta run.  Just got a supply of fake photos of Jennifer Annistons boobs.  It's back to the on-line auctions for me.

Me:  Who's Jennifer Anniston?

Butch:  Beats me, but google her...it'll blow your mind.

Me:  You already have.

In Jamesons Veritas