Archeologists around the globe are all aflutter about the recent discovery of a fully-preserved body said to be that Adam--the first man, the Lord God's finest creation. (Although a group of female archeologists known as "Freedom For Eve" have taken exception to the use of the world "finest." They suggest "first" creation and suggest that with Eve, God corrected numerous design flaws in his first attempt at a human.)
On April 2 of this year, a Kurdish peasant in Northern Iraq fell through a soft spot in the earth into what was later discovered to be a sealed tomb containing the fully preserved remains of a man. Carbon dating has ascertained that he died sometime around 4004 B.C.
The peasant said he wanted to rob the grave, but that a blinding white light came through the hole in the earth, and he heard a deep voice calling out to him.
"Schmuck, you're going to revile the tomb of the first man I placed upon the earth?"
"My name's Achmed, not Schmuck," the peasant replied.
"Oy, such a mess in such a short period of time," replied the voice. "Get thee to thy betters and bring them here. There will be...what is it you people worship these days?"
"Allah."
"What, you want a piece of Allah, you putz? No, what earthly things do you desire?"
"An Oreo cookie?" asked the peasant, now thoroughly confused.
"I offer you the world and you want some hydrogenated bundle of fused chemicals?"
The peasant thought.
"No," he said, "I changed my mind. I want gold." He wasn't sure if that was the right answer, as he gingerly looked up.
"Gold," muttered the voice. "Vell, it's better than Oreos. So go get thy betters and I will fill thy meagre hut with mountains of gold."
It took the peasant a while to convince anyone to accompany him, since he'd already claimed to find the Virgin Mary, Mohammed's lost molar, and the Shah's testicles. But finally a little old Arab scholar walked up the steep hill and climbed down into the hole.
There he found the perfectly preserved man. Long, brown hair, just touching his shoulders. Clean fingernails. Trim waist. A real looker, if you know what I mean. But what convinced him that he'd found the ellusive Adam were two items. First, on the right wrist was a silver bracelet with the word "Adam" inscribed. That eliminated a lot of other possible names.
But the most important discovery was that, on his left wrist, was a watch that read "Sunday, 11:59 p.m. October 23, 4004 B.C." When he examined the watch, he realized there was no battery. Apparently, God gave Adam the watch but forgot to put in a battery.
"Bishop Ussher was right," proclaimed the Arab scholar. "Clarence Darrow was a dickhead. Oh glory to Allah the most masterful."
Wait a minute, you might ask. Why Allah? Why not Ya--eh or however the Jews write their God's name? Why not Je-us? A simple reason. When he examined the body of Adam, he pulled a dried piece of apple from between his teeth, and, most important, he also discovered that Adam had never been circumcised.
So the mystery's solved. The Arab's win...except for the stupid peasant who ran home, stood in his house and said, "o.k., I'm ready for the gold."
So God dumped a couple of tons of gold on the house.
When he saw what he'd done, he sighed. "Oy vey."
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