God called me last night.
There's no easier way to put it, especially for you atheistic, devil-worshiping, socialist America haters out there.
God did call me. And boy, was He pissed.
"What's so tough to understand about 'intelligent design'," he fumed. "What, do those Darwinidiots think I'm not intelligent?"
"No, sir," I said quickly. It's not a good thing to piss off the Lord even if you do have to wonder about things like famine, Ebola, mosquitoes, and Cheeze Whiz.
"Then what is it?" he demanded, which was a little surprising since he's supposed to be the omniscient one, and I'm just a lowly human he's chosen to harass.
"Well," I started, "it's that those Darwin folks think that "intelligent design" is just a front for the Creationists to sneak religion back into the classroom."
Long pause. When God thinks, it can take a long time. He's also omnipresent, so he's got a lot of ground to cover.
"Creationism," he snorted. "You mean those people who belief that drivel Bishop Ussher pushed that I created the world 4000 years ago?"
"Sort of, sir," I said.
"Gadfry Daniels," he shouted, which is the closet you'll get to hearing God swear. He's got to be pretty careful about what he says. For example, if he says, "damn them," then woe to those to whom he was referring. Like it's a lifetime in hell with no chance of parole.
"I thought 'intelligent design' just integrated My work into Darwinian theory," He said.
"No, that's not exactly what they mean, sir. They claim that evolution is just a theory."
"Just a theory," He thundered, shattering most of the windows in my house. I didn't mind, because He's real good about fixing things He's broken when He gets angry. Sometimes, He even apologizes. And when He forgets, there's always the Archangels to come along and mop up after Him.
"Don't those Creationist dimwits realize what 'theory' means in science?" He continued. "In scientific terms, a 'theory' is a unifying concept that's been tested and reaffirmed. It's not a guess or a hypothesis."
"Well, sir," I offered, "maybe the Creationists don't know that."
"Well go and tell them," He ordered.
"Yes sir, but, you see, I'm not sure they'll listen to me."
He fretted and fumed and made angry God-like noises, which, when you think about it, are the only kind of noises he could make, although, as God, he probably could make any kind of noise he wanted.
"Well, tell them I told you they're bonkers," he said.
"They'll just call me a lackey of the left-wing anti-religion conspiracy and won't believe me," I said.
He sighed, and, I have to tell you, when God sighs, it could just break your heart.
"All this effort to create an intelligent species, and this is what emerges?" He said with great sadness. I was crying openly. It's tough to cope with a sad Lord of the Universe. "People who'll treat a book like gospel that's been translated so many times into so many versions, the only truths left there are the simple ones. Like the 20 commandments."
"Um...sir, I think you mean the 10 commandments."
"What? Oh, right, Moses dropped that second tablet on the way down the mountain. My fault. The things were just too heavy. Anyway, those 10 are enough. And Jesus' sermon on the mount. He never talked about Creationism. He didn't care. It wasn't important. What's wrong with these people."
Well, I could go on, because the Lord certainly went on long enough. But a word to the wise to those folks trying to sneak Creationism into the schoolroom--God ain't on your side. He thinks you're all idiots.
Now don't blame me. I'm just the messenger.
Haha. I'll start calling you Joan of Arcadia.
Posted by: Stormcrow | May 25, 2005 at 07:22 PM