'Tis a question that rocks the very sages back on their well-worn heels--is there intelligent life in the universe. I used to think SETI (Search for Extra-terresteral Life) was an exercise in humanity's search into the unknown. Now I know better.
In a recent interview, Dr. Leopold E. Paster, astrophysicist at the Jerkes Astronomical Observatory, revealed the truth about SETI. Luckily, we were in a bar in New Orleans, we were down and out...wait, someone else wrote that. Well, we were three sheets to the wind, whatever that means, which caused him to let down his guard and reveal the truth.
At the time, we were talking about the bar maid. Although we could only dimly make her out through the smoke in the room and fog in our brains, we both agreed she was a real looker. That set him off.
"Looker...looking...searching," he muttered. "That just brings back memories I'm trying to crush."
"What's that?" I asked, searching for my drink.
"Looking...SETI...Is there intelligent life in the universe."
"Well," I asked, finding my drink on the floor and deciding it was easier to order another one than try to get the Jameson's Irish whiskey from the floor back into the glass, "is there?"
"Bah, who cares?" he said sadly. "The real question is, is there intelligent life on earth?"
Truly, I was shocked. How could he ask such a question? So I asked him.
"How can you ask such a question?"
He gave me a withering look. "Open your eyes, meatball. Look at what's going on around you."
I looked around and saw a bunch of drunks and what I was sure was a very cute bar maid.
"Well," I said, "this is a small sample."
"Bah and more bah," he said. "Do you realize that a majority of Americans don't think humans evolved from earlier species? Almost half don't think plants and animals evolved. Almost two-thirds think we were created directly by God. There's a museum in Petersburk, Kentucky where they tell people that T-Rex lived in Eden."
"No wonder Adam and Eve bolted," I said. "Hard to call it Eden when you've got some maurading dinosaur trying to turn you into a mid-morning snack."
"No," he said. "They claim that this T-Rex was a vegetarian."
My jaw dropped. He looked at me and shook his head.
"Just look at you gaping like some moronic elected representative of the people, which brings up more evidence that there's no intelligent life on earth. Do you know who the most respected world leader is?"
"George Bush?" I guessed.
"He proves my point once again," Dr. Paster said to himself. "No, according to a Gallop Poll, it's Vladimir Putin. When I heard that, I almost choked, but then I started thinking. It's a set-up poll. It's like asking which turd floating in a pond is the least offensive. Face it, can you think of one president in your lifetime that you're proud of? Or one politician today you'd enthusiastically support for president?"
"Edward Kennedy?" I was getting desperate and confused.
"Dolt," he muttered. "We go to war for the wrong reasons, we don't know what to do when we've won the war, there's an earthquake that kills tens of thousands in Kashmir and the Muslims and Hindus are still killing each other there, middle class Muslims are becoming born again suicidal maniacs, the Chinese are working mightily to win the prize for the greatest pollutor in the history of humanity...ah, who cares?"
"I care," I said meekly.
"Sure you do. Do you care that we've created a world where millions of children a year die of malaria when the proper use of DDT would save them--but, no, DDT bad, hurts little birdie eggs, let the babies die. Do you care that millions of American children go to bed hungry every night? Do you care that...ah, forget it."
Well, Dr. Paster went on for a long time, but that's all I can remember...except for the startling revelation that scientists were looking for intelligent life in in the universe in the faint hope they could get them to come here and straighten things out.
(By the way, Leopold E. Paster is not his real name...but if you're smart, you can figure it out.)
'urp.
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